Visitors On Vacation
by roxypony
Summary: The Fifth Column decides they need a break from the stress of their job... However, the Visitors have had a very similar idea.
1. The Other V Word

I finally started this! On the memo pad of my phone, at a funeral reception. What can I say, when inspiration happens, it HAPPENS. I wrote the rough draft on my phone, sent it to myself, went over it a couple times, and here we are!

Basically this is going to be general humour, lots of warm fuzzies, very little romance - trust me, I can't write romance to save my life. It'll be better without it. And of course, plenty of OOC fun :) basically the same concept as Marcus's Secret Diary, only not written in diary style.

Also, this is my first time writing the Fifth Column characters. I think it went alrightish, but the more I write the better it'll get!

I don't own V. If I did, we sure as hell wouldn't be worried sick about the fate of the series!

Read on :)

* * *

Agent Erica Evans has a lot on her plate.

For example; saving the world, blowing things up, hanging out with known fugitives and terrorism suspects, foiling alien schemes, keeping her clinically retarded son alive, leading an alien resistance movement - all the while pretending like she's trying to hinder the aforementioned resistance. Not to mention keeping all of it secret from her astonishingly nosy boss and the most evil dictator of all time who just happened to be an alien with an implicitly intimate interest in her family.

So naturally, taking a vacation was not exceedingly high on her long list of priorities.

Rewind:

That Friday morning had started out like most did - she'd walked down into Hobbes' basment lair to greet the usual crowd - Jack, Hobbes, and Chad. Ryan was currently spending time on the Mothership.

She said her normal good mornings, Chad delivered her a report from the Mothership regarding Anna's Concordia endeavor. No new information, really. Jack had a mocha and muffin awaiting her - a sign he was about to do some major sucking up. And Hobbes just cracked a joke about healthy cops eating muffins instead of donuts these days and what the hell was up with that? She smacked him upside the head and reminded him she wasn't a cop and she didn't even like donuts - for the 147th time.

Just an ordinary early morning at headquarters until Jack dropped the V-bomb. And V didn't stand for Visitor on this particular occaison.

"Erica, I need to tell you something..." Jack gulped, looking very nervous.

"I know that face." she was immediately suspicious. "Did you get arrested? Did you leak information? Did you blow something up? Do you have a secret V girlfriend? Did you go clubbing last night? Spit it out, Father!"

"We're going on vacation. We've rented a lake house up North. One week. We leave tomorrow morning." the priest blurted out, then flinched as though expecting to be attacked.

Now she could see why he'd brought her breakfast.

She'd immediately refused, of course. Pounded her fist on the table, trashed a stack of paper. The nerve of them! They should know by now how important it was to keep the Fifth Column in order! If they left their post, even for a week, who knows what could happen? Anna would have a trouble-free week, that's what. And that would be catastrophic for mankind.

"Seriously guys. You're all hilarious. That was a good one, you actually got me going." She laughed it off once she cooled down. But the gang wasn't done.

"Actually, we're being dead serious." said Jack politely.

"We've been running our asses ragged for months now, gotten this absolutely nowhere, and there's no end in sight. We need to get the hell outta this city!" said Hobbes.

"It's just a week! It'll be fun!" Chad whined.

"Stuff it, TV Boy." Hobbes snapped, cutting the news anchor off. "You're going to be sticking around here and keeping an eye on the lizards."

"I have to deal with her every day! Do you know what she'd do if she found out who I work for? If anyone's earned a holiday, it's me. Why do I always have to take one for the team?" Chad wailed.

"Because there's limited rooms and no way in hell I'm sharing with you, that's why." Hobbes quipped.

"Don't worry Chad, I'm sure we could find you a nice couch or something. And the place has a shed too. You could probably have it all to yourself." Jack interjected kindly.

Hobbes scowled at Jack. Erica scowled at everyone.

"It sounds like you have everything figured out." she noted icily. "How long have you been planning this?"

"Hobbes thought of it last month, and the house owner just got back to us yesterday." Jack piped up. Hobbes stomped on his foot down on Jack's, causing the priest to cringe.

"Oww, Kyle! You're so violent!"

"Pay no attention to him, Erica. Jack only just planned it yesterday." Hobbes tried to smooth-talk his way through.

"For a fugitive, you're a pretty terrible liar." Erica stated.

"I'm not lying!"

"Yes you are." Jack grumbled. "Who are you gonna believe, Erica? The priest or the mercenary?"

"I believe I have no intention on taking a vacation, I don't care whose idea it was or when it was planned, or why you didn't bother to tell me. Either way, you might as well cancel it." Erica concluded in a very final tone.

Hobbes backed down. Chad shuffled his feet and looked dissappointed. It looked like Erica had won.

But she hadn't counted on Jack handing her an absolutely exquisite breakfast muffin with an accompanying puppydog expression.

She rolled her eyes and snatched up the muffin.

"Fine. Fine! We'll go to your shack in the woods. Just for the weekend. Two days is all we can miss."

"Actually we rented for a week and it's non-refundable, so..." Jack mumbled bashfully.

She rolled her eyes at him.

"Jack, don't tell me you used the church budget on this little outing."

"Not quite..."

"Well I know none of you can afford it. Who the hell is paying?"

"Let's just say the Fifth Column won't be purchasing new ammunition any time soon." Hobbes contributed.

"Or replacing the van." Jack added.

"Or getting matching coats with our names on them." Chad concluded.

"Oh, I get it. So you just the Fifth Column's budget on a vacation that will give Anna a perfect opportunity to raise hell while we're gone?"

"The reptiles don't know we'll be gone." Chad offered.

"Please, Erica. It'll be good for us. We need a chance to get out, get some fresh air to clear our heads and remember what life was like before all this." Jack persuaded gently.

"While I wouldn't put it that poetically, the priest makes a good point." said Hobbes gruffly.

Erica gave them the death glare, but her mind was working, she was tempted...

"Whatever. Seven days it is. But God help you if we stay a single second after that!" She finalized through a mouthful of muffin. "And you're staying here to keep an eye on the Vs!" She informed Chad, who looked severely put out. "I can't deal with all of you at once. Someone has to stay and it might as well be you."

"Looks like lizard-sitting duty after all, Champ! Spend the week with our reptillian friends. This is your chance to go deep undercover." Hobbes smirked, patting Chad on the back. "I'll be sure to have an extra drink for ya as I watch the sun set on the lake."

Chad looked extremely defeated. Hobbes looked supremely delighted, Jack looked incredibly suprised that the plan had worked, and Erica looked as though she didn't know whether to be optimistic or exasperated as she left her boys and drove to work. A few cups of coffee later, she decided to settle for a bit of both.

Friday flew by, the FBI was having a rather quiet week. Nobody was making excessive anti-V threats or wrecking things or blowing themselves up, so Paul spent the day watching _Little People Big World _in his office with the door shut and the curtains closed. This left Erica free to mentally prepare for the week ahead. At least until she stopped and thought for a second - who the hell takes time to mentally prepare for a holiday? Who had she become that she felt the need to stand back and analyze everything?

Maybe it wasn't such an awful idea after all.

###

Meanwhile on the NYC Mothership, there was some extreme scheming underway. There was something of a business meeting currently in progress in a secluded room of the ship. This gathering consisted of Marcus sitting at the head of the table, Joshua sitting to his right, Samuel to the left, Ryan in the corner, and Thomas at the opposite end from Marcus.

The group had come to a conclusion: any more time spent on the ship would result in complete loss of sanity from all of them - particularly from their almighty High Commander. Something had to be done. A vacation was in order if the species wanted to survive much longer without rampant skinnings taking place.

"I have counted all your votes and made a final selection regarding our destination." Marcus announced.

"DISNEYLAND?" Samuel shot out.

"No, Samuel. You were the only one who voted for Disneyland. We're getting a lake house up North...in what's known as 'cottage country'."

"Score!" Joshua whooped happily, punching the air. "When are we leaving?"

"First thing tomorrow." Marcus replied.

"Don't you think that's a little soon?" Thomas inquired irritably.

"Don't you think the turtleneck look is getting old?" Marcus shot back.

"For your information, this shirt is a one-of-a-kind Armani Xchange. Very stylish among humans - they need to be able to relate to us." The Chief Engineer informed the Second-In-Command coldly.

"My deepest apologies." Marcus smirked. Thomas glared and tugged at his collar.

"So. How did Anna take the news?" Joshua asked, to change the topic.

"She has not yet been notified of this altercation." Marcus answered primly.

Thomas coughed. It sounded more like "Gutless coward."

"I didn't want to tell her until we had the details finalized." Marcus clarified. "Now we know, so I'll tell her tonight."

"Can I have your skin after she rips it off and eats you alive?" Thomas inquired innocently.

Marcus made a violent grab for Thomas' throat but was fortunately restrained by Joshua.

"I'm kidding! Come on." Thomas whined. "What the hell would I want your skin for? We can just recycle it when she'd done with you. Chill, man."

Marcus flipped Thomas off, then straightened his tie and sat back down.

"Ladies, please. Let's get this thing wrapped up. What time are we leaving and what should we pack?" Ryan spoke up.

Four pairs of eyes turned on him.

"What?"

"What on earth makes you think you're coming with us?" Joshua snorted.

"This was partially my idea!" The bald V snapped indignantly.

"Yes well, someone has to stay around and keep an eye on the Fifth Column. Bit of an obvious choice, my friend." Said Thomas pompously.

"Can't Decker do it?" Ryan moaned.

"He's going to be accompanying us. He called in earlier, his house is getting its oil changed or something, I don't know exactly what he said. He sort of called in a panic and said he needed a place to stay for a week. So he'll be coming with us, we're not leaving that little brat here by himself." Marcus explained.

"Assuming we actually leave." Thomas huffed in an undertone. "You better not give her any names as she's skinning you."

"It. Will. Be. FINE!" Marcus disagreed. "I will be my usual professional charming self -" Thomas stifled a sarcastic laugh "- and she won't be able to resist."

His comrades threw him a series of skeptical glances.

"You'll see." Marcus pressed determinedly. "Look at us, she knows how much we do for her. We need a vacation. She won't be able to say no."

More skeptical glances.

"Okay, we'll make her some coffee. _Then_ she won't be able to say no."

* * *

I've started chapter 2. It'll be longer. Idk how long this story is going to be, I'm thinking less than 10 chapters for sure. But I've been wrong before!

Feedback PLEASE. Praise WELCOMED. Constructive critiscism WANTED. Flames will be FLAMED BACK.

And MSD will be updated very shortly - it's WAL MART time :D I know a lot of people were interested in what would come of that... the time is almost here! I was sorta writers-blocked, but I'm getting past it now.

Happy Tuesday to all :) Even though we're V-less for now :/ who will light up my 9pm timeslot?

RXP


	2. Life Is A Highway

Hi :) I've been working on this chapter every free second I've had this week, and I'm very happy with it! :) It's actually long.

Thanks a billion to **Trekkin Through, Alleluia Elizabeth, Speedy2Green, Ithileon, **and** ColdCaseIsMyLife** ! :) very glad I didn't end up butchering the Fifth Column characters.

Also, I apologize to any Tyler fans. Every group needs a resident moron/little kid/imbecile. For the Vs, that is Samuel. Since we barely know anything about his character, I basically turned him into my dumbass for comedic purposes.

I don't own...anything, really. Except the OOC-ness. That's all mine.

The "6 am blues" is inspired by real-life experiences. Morning is never kind to me!

Enjoy :)

_

* * *

Location: Evans resicence. Front yard, curbside.  
6:00 am_

The next morning started early - much much too early for a Saturday. Erica had all her luggage parked and waiting outside her house. Leaving her stash of automatic weapons behind had been one of the hardest things she'd ever done - even harder than convincing Tyler to accompany her. In the end, she'd bribed him with a gift of 500$ noise-cancelling headphones - the ones he'd wanted ever since he'd been old enough to operate an iPod. But in reality, the sole purpose of them was so that Erica could talk openly about Fifth Column business in the car and Tyler would be none the wiser. Then again, she still had to explain to him who her "friends" were. She'd need a good excuse for why she was vacationing with "that evil old anti-V priest" as well as a guy with a moustache and a really badass accent who Tyler had never seen before in his life.

Then again, the kid was so sleepy that he could get in a car with Anna herself and probably not notice.

_Oh joy, 5 hours stuck in the Church-on-wheels. _Erica thought to herself as Jack's church van came cruising around the corner. But she supposed it could have been worse - he could have borrowed a hearse.

Her good-morning greetings to Hobbes and Jack were pre-empted by a loud "What the hell is he doing here?" because Ryan had just stepped out of the side door.

"Good morning to you too." the big V grumbled, grabbing Erica's biggest suitcase and tossing it in the back.

"He's spending the week with us, because Father Softie here is a giant sucker." Hobbes informed her through a rolled-down window.

"He showed up at Headquarters with nothing but an overnight bag, what was I supposed to do?" Jack groaned sympathetically.

"I'll tell you what you _weren't _supposed to do - lend him half my shirts!" Hobbes growled.

"At least I have my own toothbrush! Anna sent me down to do some 'undercover' work, get her some information." Ryan continued uncomfortably. "I had no idea you were going on vacation. Don't worry, you won't even know I'm here. I'll just make something fake up to report back to her."

By this time, Tyler had woken up ever so slightly, and realized that he'd just gotten into a van with the Anti-V Priest. Panic ensued, Father Jack narrowly escaped losing an eye because Tyler pelted him with a barrage of Transformer toys he'd withdrawn from his suitcase.

"It's fine, dear, don't worry. Calm down. I mean it. 1...2...3... Seriously. Stop it. GODDAMIT TYLER, STOP THROWING THINGS AT MR. LANDRY AND LISTEN TO MOMMY!"

Tyler stopped throwing, and gave his mom the stink-eye.

"This is a project from work - we're taking him on this trip to test his...um, mental stability to see if we have an excuse to arrest him. We think he's a little bit...off. This is Mr. Hobbes and Mr. Nichols, they're my bodyguards." Erica supplied.

Tyler bought it, but moved to the very back seat and continued shooting dirty looks at Jack.

"Bodyguard, I like that." Hobbes murmured.

"Mental stability? A little bit off? Really?" said Jack once Tyler was safely deafened by his headphones again.

"Whatever shuts him up." Erica shrugged, sipping her extra-large double-double mocha with frosting.

"Any word from Chad yet?" Jack asked conversationally.

"He called me half an hour ago - he sounded pretty jumpy for 5:30am, but I think he'll be okay." said Erica, turning up the heat. It was a chilly morning. However, the heating system on the ancient van didn't quite reach the back, so Hobbes had to improvise by wedging himself in the middle seat between Ryan and an extra-large suitcase. Jack drove and Erica rode shotgun - literally. At the last second, she'd faked a trip to the bathroom to grab her gun. Just in case.

###

_Location: Visitor center. Shuttle landing station, parking lot.  
6:15 am_

"I still do not understand why we aren't taking a shuttle!" Anna snapped as she settled into the front seat of Marcus's black Cadillac Escalade, leaving her luggage to be loaded into the trunk by her minions.

"Because, my Queen, your shuttle is currently...um...getting its oil changed. And none of the others have working air conditioning. Plus, the...um, Prime Minister will be more likely to trust the Visitors if he sees them driving an SUV. " Marcus explained patiently. Meanwhile, Joshua grunted in pain from the effort of lifting a suitcase into the back. Lisa stood by the back window, using it as a mirror to model her many pairs of sunglasses.

"What...IS this?" Samuel moaned, belatedly staggering off the shuttle and collapsing into the vehicle's open trunk on a pile of luggage.

"What's what?" Marcus asked skeptically.

"THIS!"

"I don't follow."

"This FEELING. It's all dark but it's not night time, and I feel all pukey and dead and stuff and I can't eat and think I'm gonna pass out and -"

"Oh, _that_. That's called early morning. 6:20, to be exact."

"I thought we eat supper at 6?"

"That's PM. This is AM. Big difference."

"What else haven't you told me?" Samuel moaned, burying his face in his fuzzy hoodie and succumbing to the 6am blues.

Marcus then left him to curl up in the trunk and wish he was dead.

"You still haven't told Anna we're going on vacation, have you?" Thomas griped as Marcus joined the gathering of minions, out of Anna's earshot.

"The story is, we're going to meet the Canadian Prime Minister because we want to start sending miniature Motherships to their small farming communities. To...um...bring them...blue agriculture."

Joshua nodded cooperatively. By this time, Samuel had gotten to his feet and stumbled pitifully over to the group, and was now leaning heavily on Joshua.

"Blue agriculture. Wow. Be honest, Marcus. When you thought that one up, were you wasted or were you baked?" Thomas snorted. "That's the absolute most pitiful cover-up I've ever heard."

"He'd just eaten half a roll of cookie dough...and the dough wasn't baked...so I guess that means he was wasted." Samuel calculated sleepily.

"Sam, that's not what that means. Go back to sleep." Joshua suggested gently.

Thomas facepalmed.

"I was incredibly stressed!" Marcus protested. "Cookie dough helps me think. If you have a better cover story, I'd love to hear it."

Thomas's smart-mouthed retort was muffled by a loud yell of;

"I'M COMING I'M COMING DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME GUYS I'M COMING WAIT FOR ME!"

"Oh NOUUGH." said Samuel - through a loud yawn.

"Kill me." Marcus grumbled.

"Is that an order?" Thomas inquired hopefully. Marcus smacked him upside the head.

"I thought he wouldn't show up." Joshua sighed.

Chad Decker leapt out of his taxi, laden down with a huge array of suitcases which he carried with suprising ease - probably because he'd been sipping Monster energy drinks since he'd woke up that morning - at 3:30 am.

"Hey! Hi you guys! What did I miss? Are we all packed? Did we leave yet? I guess we didn't leave yet...cuz we're all standing here...So, who's bringin' the munchies? Or are we gonna stop for munchies on the way? I don't care, whatever you guys want. WOW, Marcus. Is that YOUR Cadillac Escalade? Like, all yours? I asked for one for Christmas but I got socks instead. Do we get to ride in it? Can I touch it? Can I drive it? Does it have a DVD player? I brought movies! Does it have a GPS? Does it have Google Earth? We could look at my house, I got a new roof! So, are we leaving soon? How long does it take to get there? Where are we going? Can I-"

At this point, Thomas grabbed Chad by the neck and smashed his face into the hood of the Escalade.

"You have officially used up your speech allowance for the day." he growled furiously into the news reporter's ear. "If you wish to continue speaking, you will be charged 10$ per word. Got it?"

Chad nodded as best he could with his face plastered against the vehicle.

"He's just kidding, Chad." sighed Joshua sympathetically.

"Am I?" said Thomas.

"His teeth are scratching my paint job!" Marcus whimpered.

"Thomas, please unpeel Mr. Decker's face from the hood and see that it is still in one piece - I will not be represented by someone with a compromised visage-" Anna demanded from within the vehicle. "-and Marcus, run across the road to Starbucks and get me a frappucino. Immediately."

"My Queen, we will be pulling out just as soon as everyone is seated. We can hit a drive-thru later. We will make considerably better progress if we leave now." Marcus managed to hold it together.

"Very well." Anna consented at last. "But know that if they do not have skinny latte mix in Cinnamon flavour, people will get hurt."

"As you wish." said Marcus with as much professionalism as he could muster after his forehead slammed painfully off the doorframe - Joshua had been shoved forcefully into him by Thomas who was scrambling for the optimal back seat.

With minimal injury, everyone was eventually seated. Anna riding shotgun, Marcus driving. Thomas, Joshua, and Chad in the back. Lisa and Samuel in the middle seats - actually, Samuel was lying on the floor because he'd been in the process of getting into the vehicle, but had fallen asleep halfway through and had been dragged the rest of the way so the door wouldn't slam on his legs - because that would be bad for the door hinges, Marcus said.

"How long till we get munchies? Can we go to Dunkin Donuts? Because there's 2 within 5 miles of here, one of them has a lady who's mean to me. And the other gives me free milkshakes. And one has really sketchy bathrooms. But I can't remember which ones are which. I like Waffle House too. Do you guys like waffles? I'm allergic to certain types. But that's okay, allergies don't matter cuz we're going on VAC-" Thomas clamped his hand over Chad's mouth to keep the V-word from slipping out. Apparently the newscaster had regained his optimism after checking in the mirror and realizing he still had all of his teeth.

"If Anna asks, we're going to meet the Canadians regarding... what was it? Blue Agriculture." Thomas sneered quietly. "Because technically we're kidnapping her to go on vacation right now. And Marcus doesn't have the balls to admit it."

Chad was hopelessly confused. So he cracked open his fifth Monster drink.

"Moootherrr. Tyler won't stop texting me." Lisa whined as the Escalade pulled out onto the highway. "He says he's going on some lame-ass vacation thing with his mom and a crazy priest and a black guy and an Australian and how much he misses his bike and how he's never been up so early in his life and he didn't even know there was a 6am and -"

"See, it's not just me. 6am must be something new." Samuel snuffled without opening his eyes.

"Take your face off the floor, you don't know where it's been." Joshua suggested.

"Excuse me, I just had it steam-cleaned." Marcus glared.

"You're doing well, Dear. Just keep communicating with him - no don't you DARE throw your phone out the window. Give it to me!" Anna reached backwards and snagged Lisa's phone and proceeded to text Tyler.

"What are you saying to him?" Lisa shrieked.

"You'll thank me later." Anna stated menacingly, firmly hitting SEND.

She set the phone down on the console, where Marcus had the misfortune to glance down and read it. He immediately convulsed in shock and horror, and the Escalade went careening into oncoming traffic. A chorus of extraterrestrial screams resounded through the vehicle. Samuel rolled down his window and tried to bail, but was pulled back to safety by Joshua. Thomas somehow broke his seatbelt. Chad hadn't been wearing one, and flew forward so far he kissed the windshield. Finally Marcus regained control of the vehicle and merged back into the correct lane - but not before taking a bit of paint off a passing van.

"Is anyone alive?" Joshua demanded.

There was a chorus of shaky assent.

"I...don't...like...6...am...at...all." Samuel gulped, rocking back and forth.

"DO I STILL HAVE ALL MY TEETH?" Chad hollered. "SOMEONE COUNT MY TEETH! I HAVE 28 AND A HALF!"

"Marcus, where did you say you learned to drive?" Thomas grunted, on the verge of losing his breakfast.

"Self-taught, and to save you the embarrasment of asking - the motion sickness bags are under the seat."

###

"LEARN TO BLOODY FUCKING DRIVE!" Hobbes roared furiously out the window as the Fifth Column crew recovered from narrowly evading being creamed by a black Cadillac.

"Take it easy, maybe it's a someone with a learner's permit." Ryan contributed with a feeling of foreboding. He recognized Marcus's car from a mile away - there was no mistaking those aftermarket rims. Plus the fact that Ryan alone posessed the knowledge that the Vs just happened to be taking a vacation on the same day as the Fifth Column. But what were the chances of them heading to the same place?

_No chance no chance no chance WHATSOEVER!_

Or so he kept telling himself...

"OH JESUS!" Jack wailed suddenly, glancing out the side mirror.

"Is he allowed to say that?" Hobbes wondered.

"MY VAN! THEY SCRAPED OFF THE CHURCH LOGO!"

"It's fine. Just keep driving." Erica ordered gently, patting his arm.

"That's gonna come out of my salary..." Jack sighed depressively.

"Did anyone get that asshole's liscence plate? And what do they call those things? Esca-something?" Hobbes grouched.

"Anyone up for donuts?" Ryan suggested abruptly.

"Did you hear that Erica? Donuts!" Hobbes snickered.

"If I had a nickel for everytime I told you...I'm not a cop and I HATE DONUTS!"

She threw her half-empty coffee cup at his head. However, it hit Tyler instead. More specifically, his phone.

"MOOOM WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU GAVE IT COFFEE DAMAGE NOW I CAN'T TEXT LISA OHH MY GAAWWD WHAT AM I GONNA DOOO?"

"If you throw it under a truck, that'll fix it right up." said Hobbes earnestly.

"REST STOP." Jack bellowed, whipping into a gas station - one with a Donut shop.

###

In a black Cadillac zooming past the aforementioned rest stop...

"LIFE IS A HIIIIGHWAY! I WANNA RIIIDE IT ALLL NIIGHT LONG!"

"IF YOU'RE GOIN' MYYYY WAY, I WANNA DRIIVE IT ALLL NIIGHT LONG!"

Turns out those were the only lyrics anyone knew, so they hummed vaguely to the rest of the song.

"THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG!" Chad said happily. He'd said it about every single song that had come on the radio since they pulled out.

"PLEASE change the station!" Thomas whined for the umpteenth time. "I can't stand country!"

"Driver picks the station. Country is my favourite." Marcus declared.

"Since when?" Joshua shot back.

"Since we found out it makes Thomas sick." Samuel pointed out the obvious.

"Let's let Anna decide." Joshua panted. He was slightly out of breath after belting out the final chorus of the song.

Turned out Anna didn't care, she had the same luxury headphones Tyler had just recieved - only she'd gotten hers three months before they were released in stores. She was scheming on a pop-up screen thing she'd brought with her, with a map of rural Ontario, deciding where to introduce Blue Agriculture first, muttering to herself and moving little dots around on the map.

Meanwhile, Thomas was rapidly using up his supply of motion sickness bags - the fact that Marcus accelerated rapidly while changing lanes, passing cars, and occasionally stomped on the brake to avoid getting obliterated by oncoming semis was not helping Thomas's situation.

"This is why I don't let you pilot shuttles, Marcus." Anna commented rather boredly - while looking in the rearview mirror and smirking sadistically at the sight of Thomas heaving repeatedly into a bag - and Joshua curled up in a ball trying to stay as far away as possible. Chad had retreated and had burrowed into the luggage at the back to create something of a nest for himself. He tended to be a ping-pong-puker, so he blocked his eyes, ears, and nose completely.

"I support making Thomas suffer for his atrocious fashion crimes, but this isn't the way!" said Lisa.

"HEY!"

"Is 6 am over yet?" Samuel moaned, clutching his arm rest.

"It's like 7 now, bro." said Joshua.

"PM?" Samuel asked hopefully.

"Nope. Sorry fella. We still have a bit more AM to get through."

"Are we there yet? Are we almost there yet? How far have we travelled? How long till we get there? Where are we? Where are we going? Where did we come from? Wait, I know that one. When are we stopping for munchies? Does anyone else need a pee break?" That was Chad. Obviously.

Marcus glared into the rearview mirror, passed a Smartcar, and settled into one lane and a steady speed.

Although a small smile did come to his lips when Thomas threw the puke bag out the window and it made dead contact with aforementioned Smartcar.

###

"So... do we have anything other than...Classic Hymns volume 4, Dance Time With Jesus, or A Holy-Jolly Christmas?" Hobbes wanted to know as he skimmed the van's aged collection of tapes.

"Those are Father Travis's, and that's all there is."

"What's that square thing with holes" Tyler suddenly demanded, whipping off his earphones.

"What square thing with holes?" said Erica skeptically. Sometimes - actually, most times - she seriously doubted her son's capacity for thought.

"That thing you're holding!" the boy continued. "It looks like alien cheese!"

"Alien cheese. That's a new one." Ryan muttered. "There's sure as hell no cheese where I come from."

"What?" said Tyler.

"What what?" said Ryan.

"Sweetie, this is a tape. This is how we listened to music before CDs." Erica informed him.

"What's a CD again?"

"Are you serious?"

"Don't tell me, don't tell me... I know! The round thing with one hole that looks like robot pie. I had those when I was like 6." Tyler explained seriously.

"...Robot pie? Erica, did you drop him on his head?" Hobbes snorted.

"NO!" Erica retorted. A little too quickly.

"How the heck do you kids listen to music nowadays?" Jack wondered.

"The iTunes fairy brings it." said Tyler without hesitation.

"Oh. The iTunes fairy. Glad we got that cleared up." said Hobbes with an understanding nod.

"I wanna play I Spy." Tyler added as an afterthought.

"Honey, put your headphones back on. Mommy needs to discuss work with her friends." Erica sighed.

"Remember the whole point of this trip?" Jack hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

Erica rolled her eyes.

"I mean...absolutely, sweetheart! I spy with my little eye... something that is going to get its ass kicked." she shot a sideways glare at Jack, who returned it with a smile.

"That Smartcar!" Tyler yelled immediately, pointing out the window. "It's gonna get owned by that sick Caddy!"

Sure enough, in the next lane there was a green Smartcar in a passing war with a smooth black Escalade. It went unidentified because Ryan was currently asleep, but Hobbes felt a twinge of recognition.

"That looks an awful lot like the thing Anna's bitch Marcus drives!" he noted.

Tyler's eyes shot wide open at the mention of the Vs, and Erica shot Hobbes a filthy look.

"I've seen it on TV. It was an MTV special - Pimp My Ride. Visitor Edition." Hobbes smoothly covered his ass.

Tyler thought about that for a moment. Then his face scrunched up and he proceeded to wail about the fact that he couldn't watch the aforementioned special due to the fact that his phone had coffee damage from the earlier incident. So he drowned his sorrows in his headphones and Erica hissed;

"Why the hell are they following us?"

"It's probably not them." Jack soothed. "Escalades are very popular."

"Yeah, see? They're turning off onto that exit." said Hobbes as the Escalade vanished from sight. "Nobody's following us. It's okay."

"I guess..."

"How nuts would it be if the Vs went on vacation and ended up in the exact same spot as us?" Hobbes guffawed at his own cleverness.

"That's not funny, Kyle." Erica glared. "I wonder how Chad's doing..."

###

"So I got green apple for me, bubblegum for you, spearmint for Joshua, pina colada for Marcus, black cherry for Anna, citrus breeze for Thomas, and coffee for Samuel."

"Gum comes in all those flavours, huh?" said Lisa as Chad spread 7 packs of gum in front of the cash at the gas station snack stop. Along with a 24-pack of Monsters, a family-sized bag of Cheetos, a giant box of assorted mini-chocolate bars, and 6-foot-long strip of beef jerky.

"Decker...WHAT?" Thomas commented on Chad's stash.

"Everyone's thinking it so I'm gonna say it." Joshua began, coming up behind them with a all-natural fruit beverage.

Chad cringed.

"You sir, have TERRIBLE eating habits. There. I said it."

"Is that...all?" Chad asked apprehensively. Then he bagged his loot and made a break for the Escalade where Marcus was still filling it up at the pumps.

"Hey. Got gas? Just kiddin'. What size engine's that? How long does it take to fill it up? What kind of gas do you like? I'm an ethanol man myself. How long does it take to burn one tank? My car can go 538 miles. I love my car. I call it...umm...actually I don't have a name for it. Do you? If you don't you should call it...hmm...I KNOW. It's an Escalade. and You're Marcus. So you should call it The Marcuscalade!""

"Is there something you want, Decker?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah?"

"You fidget constantly. Just something I noticed."

"I'm sorry. I'll stop. Fidgeting, that is. Marcus, what does fidgeting even mean?"

_Please don't let this turn into a meaningful conversation..I don't do meaningful conversations. _Marcus thought to himself.

"Well Mr. Decker...Chad...you just seem...very nervous. And not yourself."

"Well, no sh- I mean, I do?"

"Yes, you do."

"It's not like I witnessed you guys performing cruel and unusual experiments on human beings and found out you just wanna kill us all and now I have to spend a week with you or anything like that! That's crazy!" Chad squeaked out.

Fortunately Marcus had become preoccupied with the fact that the gas nozzle was firmly stuck in the Marcuscalade, so he did not take notice of Chad's statement.

Meanwhile, Chad scrambled into the car, buckled in, and nibbled feverishly on his beef jerky.

Then he spied something wedged in the basket on the back of the driver's seat - a brochure of sorts. He reached for it. "Land Of Lakes" - depicting all sorts of pictureque cottages, docks, canoes, diving boards, rope swings, wildlife, barbecues, and happy vacationing families.

He'd seen that somewhere before, but the amount of energy drinks in his system was preventing him from remembering exactly where...

_Focus, Chad. Think think think think..._

Boom. It came back to him. He'd definitley seen it before - Jack had given Erica an identical brochure yesterday.

"Oh...my..." he gulped.

"What's that, Decker?" Anna suddenly turned in her seat to face him. He stifled a scream - he'd forgotten she was in here. She pulled the brochure from his hands and examined it. He shivered, her face was darkly unreadable. Had he screwed them all over?

By now, the gas nozzle had been removed from the car with Marcus, Joshua, and Samuel's combined pulling power. Thomas squealed at the thought of grease staining his turtleneck, so he stayed back until the deed was done. The 4 V boys plus Lisa piled back into the Marcuscalade.

"Marcus." said Anna.

"Yes, my Queen?"

"Explain this." she held up the brochure an inch from his face.

Many dirty looks were shot at Chad. He shrugged and grinned sheepishly.

"It came with the car?" Marcus offered.

Anna stared long and hard at him, then swept her crippling gaze over the others.

"Change course. Take me to this "Land Of Lakes". I can discuss Blue Agriculture with the Canadians some other time."

"Of course." Marcus replied without blinking.

"May I ask why we are interested in the Land Of Lakes?" Joshua inquired apprehensively. Knowing Anna, she wanted to see how lake-raised humans tested compared to the city slickers they were accustomed to.

"Because I wish to take a vacation." the Visitor High Commander replied simply.

Marcus forced a smile. Joshua gave him the thumbs-up. Samuel nibbled the coffee-flavoured gum Chad had given him. Chad ate some Cheetos, then wiped his orange cheez-dusty fingers on Marcus's leather interior. Marcus saw this through the mirror, and swerved sharply so newscaster's noggin bounced sharply against the window.

"OW, MARCUS! Ugh. Jeez. Someone count my teeth?"

* * *

Road trips are my favourite thing to write, but they WILL get to their destination in the next chapter.

Also, I don't want to get TOO specific by naming any real locations, so they're just heading in the general direction of the Northen Michigan-foresty-lakey area. Think _Grown Ups_ and _Cheaper By The Dozen 2_. Killer awesome and cute movies. Cottage country! :D I used to have a cottage, till I got into horseback riding, then the parents gave up cottaging to watch little me ride around in horsey competitions every weekend in the summer... decent trade-off :)

Well that's it for me, please review and I'll get the third chapter up as soon as possible! I'm not sure if the weather is gonna fuck my weekend plans (AGAIN! WHY DID WINTER COME BACK?) so I may be able to start tonight. We'll see :)

RXP


	3. Housemates

Here we are! Gotta say, I am LOVING writing this story :) up to 10 reviews, yay for YOU :D I haven't done shoutouts in a while, so here's to the chapter 2 reviewers!

**SpaceRoses **Don't hurt yourself! Joshua will have to give you a skin graft xD and he's gonna be pretty busy... Oh man. The 6am blues are my own personal hell, when I encounter them. The 7am, and sometimes even 8am blues are also not so pleasant. Bwaha, I can totally see Marcus as a crazy driver - a result of all his pent-up stress :P Hobbes too, but that one's obvious xD Yes, that's how she works... if it's HER idea, it's a GOOD idea. thanks for your review! Love it, as usual :)

**Ithileon **Haaay you got an account! Mmmm, ass covering. Or lack thereof. Thaankyou for your review, and the mental image ;)

**ColdCaseIsMyLife** Thanks so much :D and your wait is over! I love Tyler's idiotness too... I don't exaggerare is character TOOO much xD 6AM IS AWFUL D:

**Trekkin'Through** I always find it hard to pick fave lines but I must admit I really did like that one too :P I love picturing it. Heehee, yeah the Party Bus :) is kinda been trashed/pimped from the happenings in MSD... Anna will have to find another one, preferrably without an emoticon sticker. xD

**Speedy2Green** Thank you very much :D That makes me glad.

**Alleluia Elizabeth** You inspired me to make a slight change in this story... see if you can spot it :)

Luhvv youz alllll. isnt it ann0y1ng when ppl talk lyk dat?

And yes, there is a bit of a suprise at the end. Not something I originally planned so I had to compensate a little bit, but I think it works.

PS, this is set sometime after Concordia, so I'm trying to get everything right regarding who knows what about who in the Fifth Column, Lisa's alleigances, where Ryan is, stuff like that. Since this is basically CrackHumour, it doesn't make much of a difference, but I wanna stay a bit accurace :)

Again, I don't own the obvious! Except for Moe xD Enjoy!

* * *

"Ohhh it's so pretty here!" Chad gasped in awe as the V gang spilled out of the Marcuscalade. For the first time since waking up that morning, he wasn't feeling the effects of multiple energy drinks. Not long after pulling out of the gas station, he'd had a very sudden caffeine crash which left him in a near-comatose slumber until 5 minutes ago when Samuel shattered his eardrums with a piercing cry of "WE'RE HERE!"

"It is very picturesque." Anna commented.

"It's sooo peacef-AHHHH KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!"

"Relax, Samuel. That's just a chipmunk."

Thomas was the last to clear the vehicle. His motion-sickness had become increasingly debilitating in the last half-hour (since Marcus's driving had increased to a near-NASCAR level of passing, speeding, and swerving.) The turtlenecked engineer stood for a moment, blinked in the sunlight, then staggered over to the nearest tree which he clung to for support while abandoning the contents of his stomach into a bush.

They were in a gravel parking lot containing several parked vehicles beside a lodge which controlled the renting of the surrounding cottages. They were surrounded by all manner of trees, rocks, logs, stumps, chipmunks, twigs, etcetera. And the expanse of crystal blue lake shimmered just beyond the treeline - beautiful! The day had turned out to be pleasantly hot and sunny, and everyone was in a good mood - with the possible exception of one Thomas.

###

"So that be seven days an' six nights for a party o' five in the Mooseview Chalet. Reservation under "5C". Sign here, Ma'am."

Erica did as she was told and signed the rental agreement which she then turned over to the toothless bearded renter - wearing a name tag "Moe" - effectually sealing the deal. There was no going back now.

"Seven days, an' I need that key back at the end, Blondie."

"Yeah don't worry." Erica didn't bother facing him so he couldn't see her rolling her eyes. Pigs! Men are pigs!

"Lookee here! Your insurance says you a cop. I have an extra donut if yer hungry!" he called at her retreating back. She had to stop herself from whipping out her gun.

"It's done, guys. Let's go check it out!" she called to her companions who were splayed out across the lobby. Hobbes abandoned his pursuit of hitting on a young tour guide. Jack dropped the educational wildlife guide he'd picked up from the table.

"By the way, who the hell put our reservations under '5C'?"

"5C! Fifth Column, get it?"

"Jack...you're an idiot. You're also lucky we left Tyler in the car, or you'd get another Transformer shoved up your nose."

The "5C" gang began to make their way out of the Lodge, when they heard -

"Party o' seven, Mooseview Chalet."

"No, dumbass, there's five of-" Erica began, but when she turned around, she realized Moe had not been addressing her.

Standing at the counter in a line was Marcus, Anna, Lisa, Joshua, Samuel, that turtleneck guy whose name she didn't know, and Chad.

Jack made a noise that sounded like something being run over. Hobbes got up and advanced defensively. Ryan facepalmed.

"What. The. Hell. Are. They. Doing. Here." she whispered in a deadly tone.

Before Jack could stammer that this hadn't been part of the plan, Anna approached the human group with an expression of delight.

"Agent Evans! Such a lovely suprise!"

"Likewise, High Commander. Are you here on...um, Visitor business?" Erica managed to force out while suppressing a wave of shock and panic. What were the Visitors doing here?

"Not as such, I simply decided my closest staff members and I were in need of a little getaway and some fresh air. And who are your lovely friends?"

Oh great. Now she needed to come up with a really excellent exuse about the identity of her travelling companions. She thought fast, and decided to play it honest - mostly.

"These are Jack and Kyle." she lowered her voice to a whisper. "I'm checking them for signs of...um, misdemeanor...in a new environment. Work assignment"

"I see." said Anna understandingly. Marcus glared suspiciously at Hobbes.

"And this is my third cousin twice removed, Ryan."

Ryan waved sheepishly. Anna shot him a covert glare and he knew he had some explaining to do, since he was supposed to be monitoring the Fifth Column, not vacationing with his third cousin twice removed.

"Ahh, Ryan! I know you, you took a tour of the Mothership last week!" Anna hid the glare and greeted him casually.

"I remember!" the undercover V agreed with a stressed smile.

"Pleased to meet you all." Anna added to Jack and Hobbes, who gritted their teeth and nodded.

"This is my Second in Command, Marcus and my daughter Lisa. I'm sure you've seen them with me on the television. My chief of medical staff, Joshua. My chief engineer, Thomas. My assistants' assistant, Samuel - " The line of Vs waved boredly as they were introduced. Lisa and Erica exchanged a glance as if to say, WTF!

-"and I'm sure you all recognize Mr. Chad Decker from WNT Prime Focus." Ana concluded.

Chad grinned awkwardly at his friends.

"Nice to meet you all!"

"Likewise, Mr. Decker. Can I get an autograph?" Hobbes asked innocently. Anna didn't pick up on his sarcasm.

"So. You guys have the Mooseview rented?" Erica inquired.

"According to this gentleman, yes." Anna continued to smile.

"Yes'm. That be a problem?" said Moe.

"You just rented it to my group. Five minutes ago?" Erica reminded him threateningly.

"I did? Snorkellin' sasquatches! I surely did! I seem to have it double-booked." he smacked himself on the forehead.

"Yes, well. Just transfer our rental agreement onto a different cottage and I'll be out of your hair." Erica informed Moe through furiously gritted teeth.

"Or assign my party to a different location. You were here first after all, Agent Evans." Anna contributed with a sickly sweet smile.

"That's very generous, Anna." Erica reciprocated the repulsively kind tone, then snapped at the renter: "Get us a different place or give me my damn money back."

"Well hold on Darlin'! The ol' Mooseview is the last place we got! E'rything else is booked right up! Folks be vacationing this time o' year, y'know."

"I noticed." she commented icily. "In that case, I want my money. Now."

He grinned broadly and pointed at the carved wooden _absolutely no refunds_ sign nailed above his desk.

Erica flipped him off. Hobbes gently grabbed her arm.

"O-kay. Time for somebody's nap."

"Prehaps all y'all can work som'thin out?" Moe suggested. "Why don't all y'all just share the house? All y'all look like good n' decent folks."

"If he says _all y'all _one more time, I'm getting the gun." Hobbes growled under his breath.

"I thought we had a No Firearms rule on this trip!" Jack protested in a whisper.

"Padre, you should know by now that my gun does not detach from my body."

"I'm sure we can make an arrangement." Anna smiled at Moe, then at Erica. "I do not want to give up my vacation. And we have both paid for a week, and it seems this nice man does not give refunds. I see an obvious solution, I am sure you understand."

_Not really, Lizard Bitch_. Erica thought.

"You're thinking...we could share the house?"

"That is an incredibly kind offer, Anna." Jack stepped up to take control.

"But we really must-" Hobbes pushed in front of him.

"-Be heading off to check out the house and get some food going. We're all starved. Meet you there!" Ryan finished with a cheesy grin.

Erica, Jack, and Hobbes gawked at him. He was ACTUALLY volunteering them to spend a week in a house with the Vs? What the hell was going through his big bald head?

"That sounds lovely! We'll meet you at the...Mooseview." Anna finalized before walking out the door with her entourage following closely.

###

"What the hell is Nichols doing here?" Thomas bellowed as soon as everyone had boarded the Marcuscalade and shut the doors. "He's supposed to be infiltrating the Fifth Column!"

"Maybe that IS the Fifth Column." Samuel suggested halfheartedly.

"He's her third cousin twice removed, are you deaf? He just wants some time with his family." Lisa snapped defensively.

"I'll come right out and say it. Does anyone else not see much of a resemblance?" Thomas argued.

"You. Are. So. RACIST!" Lisa shrieked furiously, bludgeoning Thomas with her purse.

"Adoption is quite common these days." Joshua mused.

"We'll see." Thomas growled, massaging his purse-beaten face.

"They have Hobbes." Marcus commented stressfully.

"Erica- I mean, Agent Evans is testing him out for work stuff. They're probably just analyzing his brain." Lisa offered.

"Since when does he deal with the FBI?" Marcus shot back, almost breaking the steering wheel.

"Just get to the cottage. We'll worry about those buffoons later." Anna ordered. "Lisa, where was Tyler? I thought he was going on vacation with his mother."

"He hasn't texted me since this morning." the girl shrugged. "Maybe he died."

###

Tyler was not quite dead. However he was snoring loud enough to wake the dead. And he'd been doing so since long before the van had stopped at the lodge, so he had no idea that as of now, he was on vacation with his "omg super-hawt alien girlfraand."

"RYAN NICHOLS. What the hell were you thinking?" Erica berated the V as they climbed back into the van.

"What better way to keep an eye on them than living with them for a week?" he answered with a hopeful smile.

"But they're Visitors and we're the Fifth Fricking Column in case you forgot! Don't you think it'll get suspicious at some point? Or at least awkward? We have two of their most wanted, for chrissakes!"

"Even if they recognize Jack and Hobbes -"

"_Which they have! _Did you see the look Marcus gave him?"

"I can handle that overgrown gator!" Hobbes protested. "I _did_ put a bullet in his chest, in case anyone remembers."

"I'll be sure to tell him that." said Erica sarcastically.

Tyler grunted. Everyone froze.

But he appeared to be deadly asleep, because even a series of potholes didn't jar him from slumber. But as a precaution, Erica slipped his headphones back on.

"I can take another whack at it this week." Hobbes suggested. "I'll say I thought he was a deer."

"What did we say about NO FIFTH COLUMN BUSINESS?" Jack pestered.

"Hello, we'll be in the same house as them for SEVEN DAYS. Sharing a cutlery, plates, cups, couches, and toilets. This has turned into a Fifth Column business trip. Thanks to Mr. Nichols. Oh, and you. Because this whole deathtrap was your goody-two-shoes idea! In fact, she's probably gonna conduct experiments on us as we sleep, or at least inject that tracker juice into our blood, and she might even eat us if she wants a midnight snack. YOUR. FAULT." she vented towards Jack, who looked considerably upset.

"Erica, really. You're gonna make him cry. We don't want any tears on this trip." Hobbes reprimanded.

"Shut up." Jack grouched.

Hobbes smirked at the reaction he'd caused, and settled happily into his seat.

"You sir, are the king of all Shit Disturbers." Ryan noted.

Hobbes smiled.

###

"Awwwesooome." said Chad.

"Woooow." said Samuel.

"Oooooh." said Joshua.

"Pretty!" said Lisa.

"How quaint." said Anna.

"Smells like nature." said Thomas.

"Thank God. Indoor plumbing." said Marcus.

These were the reactions upon entering Mooseview Chalet for the first time. It was a pleasant log cabin, surrounded by forest, and located right on the waterfront. Complete with a dock, a canoe, a motorboat - included in the rental. The house was two stories high, not too small and not too big. It had a nice porch - with a safety rail. Out front was a nice big campfire pit, two picnic tables, and a small shed. Inside the house had an entirely nature theme, from the log-carved furnishings to the giant moose head mounted on the wall.

"GUYS." Chad shrieked suddenly.

"What!"

"Look around. There's something missing here." the news anchor gulped.

Blank stares all around.

"What's missing here?" Chad persisted.

"Intelligent life on Earth." Thomas murmured.

"A DISHWASHER. THERE'S NO DISHWASHER."

"A dishwasher is the thing you put bread in and toast comes out, right?" Samuel whispered to Marcus.

"That's a toaster, Sam. Good try though."

"Cheezus! How many household appliances ARE there?"

"This is totally AWESOME!" Lisa squeaked happily, lying down on a well-used but extremely long and comfortable couch.

"SCORE! TV!" bellowed Samuel, throwing himself down on the couch beside Lisa, who was bounced onto the floor from the force of his landing.

"What show's this?" Samuel wondered, after turning on the rather elderly television and seeing nothing but static.

"It appears to be a live feed of some sort of snowstorm?" Joshua suggested.

"See what channels we get! I CAN NOT miss Jersey Shore." Lisa orderd.

"HOO YEAH!" Thomas roared in uplifted agreement.

Everyone gawked at him.

"Ahem. I mean... Lisa wants to watch Jersey Shore, so let's all just act like adults here. It's not the...worst...show I've ever seen." he muttered. Turning the brightest shade of red anyone had ever seen. All eyes were still on him.

"You...LIKE the orange drunkards?" Joshua asked, twitching.

"That show gave me nightmares." Samuel mentioned.

"Really, Thomas. There's a reason I didn't place a mothership in that area." said Anna reproachfully.

"You know what, I don't think this TV works." Thomas mumbled awkwardly, turning it off.

"What's THAT?" Samuel freaked, noticing the moose head for the first time.

"I think...it's some sort of animal." Joshua offered.

"Where's the rest of it?" Marcus pondered.

"It's a moose. People kill them, stuff their heads, and stick 'em up on walls to brag to their friends." said Chad. He sympathized for the moose - all alone in a room full of an unfamilliar species, all gawking at him... Chad knew the feeling exactly.

"So...it's DEAD?" Lisa hollered.

Marcus poked it.

"Yep. Dead."

"Time to investigate the sleeping quarters." Anna ordered, losing interest in the moose situation making a beeline for the stairs. Meanwhile, Lisa was shedding several tears over the moose.

"Prehaps we should wait for out housemates to arrive before we decide on beds." Joshua suggested lightly. "It's only polite."

Anna gave him the I-Don't-Get-It look.

"You know...like consideration for others?"

"I don't follow." said Anna.

"They're here!" Samuel announced, running out on the deck to wave wildly.

###

"Who the hell is that?" Erica growled, referring to the waving figure.

"That's Samuel - Joshua's assistant. He used to be Fifth Column, but I wouldn't trust him nowadays... he's been off ever since Red Sky." Ryan explained.

"Right, well..."

"WE'RE HERE WE'RE HERE WE'RE HERE WE'RE HERE!" Tyler had woken up. He ripped open the door and made a break for the house - then promptly stubbed his toe on a rock and kissed dirt.

"IIIIII loooove naaaature!" Jack rejoiced as he climbed out of the van and smelled the fresh air.

"Well, the house looks solid enough." Hobbes grunted approvingly. "Nice little shed we can lock the lizards in... then detonate it."

Erica smacked him upside the head.

"Hey. We're trying for no Fifth Column business, remember? If I have to be nice, then that goes for you too, Mister."

Hobbes grumbled something indecipherable as everyone began hauling their bags out of the trunk. Tyler ripped out his bag then made his second attempt at running to the house. This time he ran straight into the parked Escalade, and fell. This time on his ass.

"Who PUT that there?" he wailed hopelessly, staggering up the stairs and dissapearing through the door.

"Ty, wait!" Erica called, wanting to carefully explain that there were Visitors waiting for him inside. But he took no notice. "You dumbass. Whatever, you'll see for yourself." she grumbled.

Ryan, Jack, and Hobbes each grabbed an armful of luggage out of the trunk. Now there was just one more bag, the biggest one. Erica reached down and lifted it up...

And an ear-shattering scream echoed off the trees and across the once-peaceful lake.

###

Tyler had made it as far as the fridge, and downed half a carton of chocolate milk before realizing he wasn't alone in the house.

"Well, if it isn't Mr Evans!" said Anna delightedly, advancing on him.

First, he screamed and threw the milk at her. Then he realized who it was.

"H-h-hi Mrs. High Commander." he stammered, shocked at her sudden unexlained presence.

"So nice to see you! I take it from your expression, your mother did not tell you that we are vacationing together this week?"

"Uh. No."

Then he saw Lisa, and gave her the most bug-eyed look that caused her to seriously wonder exactly what message Anna had texted him. Whatever it was, it did not stop him from waddling up to her and partaking in his typical tongue-bath greeting. And here she'd been thinking this was a vacation...

Anna watched Tyler and Lisa quite happily for a moment, then noticed Marcus, Joshua, Samuel, Thomas, and Chad were staring at her the way parents stare at convicted pedophiles. She gave them a haughty little smile, then glided off to investigate the fridge.

"I'm just gonna say it. She's a pimp." Samuel rambled.

Marcus patted him on the shoulder, then looked up sharply..

"Hey - did anyone just hear that scream?"

"Sounded like Evans." said Chad anxiously.

"She probably saw a chimpmunk. Those are scary." said Samuel wisely.

"She's got a gun - we can mount its head next to the Moose." added Thomas.

"Bruce! His name is Bruce." Lisa announced, pushing Tyler off so she could speak.

###

"SIDNEY MILLER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE TRUNK?" Erica shrieked hysterically at the young blond man curled up in the trunk, who had apparently been under her suitcase.

"You're a bloody creep, you know that?" Hobbes scolded as Jack kindly helped the scientist out of the trunk. After the 11 hour drive, he was incredibly stiff.

"I got your e-mail about the vacation last night. I got back to headquarters at 5:30 am this morning, and you were all packed, and the van was just sitting there, so I got in." he shrugged guiltily, looking up at his comrades.

"What happened to hanging out with your grandma?" Jack inquired.

"She kicked me out...cuz I can't shoot whiskey and her bridge friends were coming over, she said I was cramping her style." Sid mumbled bashfully, looking down at his feet.

This sent Hobbes into a seizure of laughter so powerful he had to take a time-out.

"Ohh kay... Wait, why did you stow away? You could have just taken a seat. Or at least let us know you were coming?" Erica chided.

"I wasn't sure if you would have brought me if I asked." the doctor admitted. "So I figured...better to ask forgiveness than permission."

Erica's entire attitude morphed from agression to sympathy. She wrapped the scientist in a warm hug.

"Sid, you're crazy! Of course we would have taken you."

"I thought it was a...Fifth Column-only deal." said Sid with a relieved smile.

Hobbes stopped laughing and shot a reproachful look at his young comrade.

"Kid, don't you ever think for one second that you're not one of us."

Sid looked extremely suprised at this slight show of affection, but kept a straight face.

"Gee. Thanks, Kyle!"

"That's Uncle Kyle to you, kiddo."

"Well, time to check out the house?" said Jack hopefully. Ryan had already headed in, now all that remained were the four resistance members standing by the van. Then, Sid spotted the Escalade.

"Wait, who else is here?"

"Oh yeah Sid, we should probably warn you..."

###

"Everyone, this is my friend Sid. He was stowed away under 8 suitcases for the 11 hour drive, and he will indeed be spending the week with us. Be nice." Erica announced as the last of the group trooped tiredly into the house.

"Agents Evans and company. Welcome." Anna greeted with a smile. "Or - since we're on vacation, can I call you Erica?"

_Absolutely not, Lizard Bitch. _she thought.

"Absolutely, Anna." she said. But she had to admit, her mood did lighten considerably as she looked around. The decor was tacky - but oddly endearing. Not too fancy, but well-used and comfortable. Everything a cottage should be. The front door opened into the main room, kitchen at the front with a long dining table, then a family area with a fireplace, the TV, and an assortment of furniture. To the left, a rickety-looking staircase led upstairs.

The Vs had made themselves quite comfortable, having abandones their luggage at the bottom of the stairs. Lisa had distracted Tyler by giving him a pinecone and telling him it had superpowers. He was now curled up in an armchair trying to figure it out, and Lisa was parked on the opposite side of the room. Samuel and Chad were on the couch, trying to figure out the conundrum that was the television. Thomas suggested Samuel put the antenna on his head and dance around in hopes of recieving signal. Anna had a hologram projector set up in the corner and was bitching out a staff member from back on the mothership. Marcus was carefully investigating a box of cereal he'd found in the cupboard. Joshua had unearthed a dusty old book about wildlife, and was currently reading up on snails in their natural habitat.

"Did you know snails are related to giant squids, and they are actually one large foot? When in danger, they ooze protective mucus." Joshua informed them, very seriously.

No one had anything to say about that. With the exception of Samuel:

"Mucus sounds like Marcus."

"Fantastic observation..."

"I officially live here. Not going home. This. Is. The. Best." Jack bubbled as he enthusiastically checked out the first story of the house, everything from the fish clock above the fireplace to the bearskin rug on the floor.

"Take it down a notch, nature boy. You're scaring Bambi." Hobbes joked, gesturing at the moose head.

"His name is Bruce!" Lisa yelled, eyeing Hobbes venemously.

"Oh lord. Are you one of those chicks that think everything has names and feelings? Because that is incredibly - " Hobbes complained.

"O-KAY. That's enough, Kyle. Remember what I said about not embarrassing yourself?" Erica intercepted in a tone of false cheerfulness.

"What? I was gonna say hot!" Hobbes whined.

Erica clapped her hand over his mouth.

"So, have you guys picked out rooms yet?" she questioned the Vs.

"Not yet, someone insisted on waiting for you." said Thomas peevishly.

"Well now that we're all here together, let's go to it!" said Jack happily. He seemed to be hopeful that his enthusiasm might be contagious, but so far as he could tell, nobody was catching on.

"Did that toothless guy happen to mention how many bedrooms this shack has?" Hobbes muttered as the gang trooped up the stairs.

"I don't know, but I do know that if these stairs have a weight limit, he didn't specify." Thomas complained. "Listen to that creaking wood - do you all feast on cement?"

"Says the man who thinks chocolate is a food group." Marcus grunted.

Thomas then reached back and attempted to shove him back down the stairs, which might have been the end of him, had Tyler not broken his fall.

"Boys, behave." Anna reprimanded.

"HE STARTED IT!" Marcus and Thomas choroused vehmently.

"I don't care who started it. Don't make me come back there."

"If I had a nickel for every time I said that on the drive up here!" Erica suddenly found herself laughing despite her attempts to suppress it.

"Boys will be boys." Anna agreed with a serene smile.

The vacation had begun.

* * *

Well now that they've arrived, the fun can really begin! *rubs hands together, looks sinister*

Review please :) Suggestions are welcome but I can't promise I'll use them.

I plan to start chap 3 in like... 5 minutes because I'm really rollin' with this story. I've kinda let MSD slip this week but i'll pick it back up, don't you worry :)

RXP


	4. The Big Boom

2nd update in 2 days, and 6 reviews in those 2 days, AHH! :) considering how small this fandom is, and how not-long I've been around, this makes me quite happy.

This chapter's long, and well, I loved writing it! One part near the end really made me melt... :)

So, how bout YOU guys!:)

**Mo** it's all good, I love you too :D I don't swing that way either, xD I know exactly what you mean. I love your faithful reviews! You've been around since like the early days of MSD! And I love the Marcus-Thomas banter too. Oh those two :) Thanks so much! :D

**Trekkin'Through **Yes, I agree ;) It would be something, I'll see what I can do xD. thankssomuch!

**ReptilePrincess** I pm'd you already regarding the Lost reference, but yeah he's a stalker in a little science geek way ;) thanks!

**ColdCaseIsMyLife** I actually liked that part quite a bit myself.. Poor Bruce indeed! xD and nice Anna, yeah it cannot be good :O thanks!:D

**Ithileon **Taken that into consideration, yep xD Thanks so much, hope you write something sometime, you won't regret it! :)

**Christina **YESS! I love distracting people from school shit! Your feedback made me grin :) ILOVEMARCUSTOO, obv. Thanks a bazillion! :)

That's all for now I think.

Don't own anything, blah blah blah.

Oh, and Tyler's sleeping quarters is directly paying tribute to Harry Potter. Just sayin'. If you get it, you get it. I had a lot of fun organizing the rooms... it took longer than I thought it would! But I think the results will provide optimal fun. I also loved putting the Vs into human clothes! Heh.

PS, has anyone noticed how much fun I've had, basically using Thomas as a punching bag in this story? I'm just lovin' this - finally getting back at the little prick. NO ONE REPLACES MY MARCUS. When Marcus re-replaced Thomas I was like HELL YEAH THAT'S MY BOY, KISS IT TURTLENECK MAN!

Anywaaay haha, enjoy :)

* * *

As it turned out, the Mooseview Chalet had 1 extra-large master bedroom, 4 normal bedrooms. For 12 people. It seemed - big suprise - that everyone wanted a room to themself and would do anything to obtain it. In the end, Erica was forced to take charge of the situation, however the Queen of the Vs proved eager to help. Erica wanted to diversify the room scheme, put humans with visitors so that they couldn't freely discuss V business and the like. Anna agreed - because it would help her people become more tolerant of the beautiful human race. Erica smiled, forced a laugh, and said she had the same opinion.

They divised a list, which they read out:

_Cupboard under the stairs - Tyler  
Master Bedroom - Marcus, Joshua, Hobbes, Jack  
Bedroom 1 - Anna  
Bedroom 2 - Erica  
Bedroom 3 - Ryan, Samuel  
Bedroom 4 - Lisa  
Downstairs pullout couch - Chad  
Downstairs normal couch - Thomas_

Sid opened his mouth to speak, but Hobbes immediately overshadowed him:

"Does anyone else see something wrong with the Master Bedroom arrangements?"

"4 in a room, that's pushing it a bit." said Joshua with as much politeness as he could muster.

Marcus looked at Anna, and said flatly: "No."

Jack was clearly searching his brain for an optimistic statement, but didn't come up with anything. He looked imploringly at Erica.

"The only other guys' room is Ry and Sam, and they don't have any extra space, that room's the smallest. The couches are full, and there's nowhere else. Come on, it's a big room. There's 2 beds!"

"But there are four of us." Marcus protested.

"I AM NOT SHARING A BED." Hobbes wailed.

"No one said you have to! Big tough guy like you, the floor will be fine. They have a nice bear rug in there." Erica urged.

"I brought a sleeping bag, you three can take turns with the beds." Jack offered.

The four roomies exchanged doubtful looks, but lugged their suitcases off to the Master bedroom.

"COOL I GET MY VERY OWN ROOM!" Tyler yelled, flinging open the closet door and leaping inside. He then pulled the door almost shut and peered out of the crack, pretending to be a monster.

"This couch had better be made of orthopedic memory foam." Thomas grumbled.

"Last time I slept on a pullout, it folded up on me and I was stuck for two hours and my arm got dislocated." Chad mentioned.

"Leave it to you." Ryan muttered at him. "C'mon, Sam. Let's go check out our new pad."

Samuel looked beyond shocked and delighted to be included in an adventure, and he eagerly followed Ryan into the room, yakking about how he hadn't had a slumber party in months, and how much fun this week was going to be.

Lisa, Anna, and Erica each retreated into their rooms, while Chad and Thomas went back downstairs to test out their respective couches. Thomas muttered mutinously about stupid girls with cooties not having to share rooms.

That left Sid. He picked up the discarded list, and read it over 13 times to be sure. His name was not on it, anywhere. He even flipped it over to the back, just in case. He had not been assigned a bed.

Well, the bathtub looked rather spacious...

###

In an hour, everyone had taken a brief nap, further explored the house, or freshened up after the exhausting drive. However, a common hunger drew them into the kitchen.

Erica had gotten there first, she almost didn't recognize the Vs as they trickled in one-by-one.

Marcus and Joshua had traded their suits for jeans and t-shirts. Thomas...was still wearing a turtleneck. Samuel was ready for anything in some very heavy-duty cargo shorts, a camo shirt, and a vest to match the pants. The whole ensemble was topped off with a fisherman hat. Anna was prehaps the biggest shocker - no one had ever seen her wear pants, but here she was sporting casual denim capris, flip flops, and a t-shirt. Ryan had a white tank top and had borrowed a pair of Samuel's cargo shorts because he liked the pockets. He looked ready for some serious relaxing. Chad was rockin' a WNT: Prime Focus t-shirt that fell to his knees - scribbled on it was something that looked suspiciously like his own autograph. Tyler seemed to feel very at home, because he wandered into the kitchen wearing nothing but boxers and started drinking milk straight out of the carton. Everyone else looked more or less identical to how they always did.

Eventually the housemates were fully gathered around the dining table, apparently waiting for something.

"I'll just say what everyone's thinking, where's the grub?" Hobbes barked.

"I don't know about grubs, but I'd really like some food." said Samuel.

"I think we have to get our own food." Erica clarified.

"What the hell? Is this a vacation or not?" Hobbes snapped.

"Is there no room service?" Marcus demanded, sounding rather alarmed.

"We got room service when we went to Geneva!" Chad whined. "And that wasn't even a holiday!"

"Chad, this is camping." Jack explained patiently. "You have to live off the land - I bet we could find some really great herbs if we went for a hike, maybe even edible mushrooms!"

"This isn't camping, Padre. See the indoor plumbing? And who do you think you're kidding? Herbs and mushrooms?"

"It was worth a shot." Jack sighed.

"The only food we have is whatever the last renters left here - which is half a carton of chocolate milk, one box of Cheerios, half a box of Froot Loops, and three carrots." Erica summarized after scanning the fridge and cupboards.

"We can ration that out for a week! I took a survival course when I was 9. I can divide everything perfectly." Sid offered.

"One box of cereal and three carrots to get us through one makes herbs and mushrooms sound appealing." Ryan chipped in.

"Don't forget, we have plenty of lake water too!" said Jack.

"And we can go fishing!" Samuel hollered excitedly. "And use immolation pills as bait so we don't have to touch worms!"

"I'm no expert, but I believe that would defeat the purpose." Joshua mused.

"I might be able to re-configure the pills so they roast the meat from the inside without disintegrating the entire body." said Thomas with a look of self-importance.

"I can make tree bark stew!" Jack shot out, beside himself with excitement.

"Combine that with my rations, and we'll be all set!" Sid added over the commotion.

"OR we could just order pizza!" Erica yelled, deciding it would not be safe for anyone if the lizards remained hungry for too long, lest they put human flesh on the menu.

"That could work too." said Joshua. "Wait, what's pizza again? The thing where you put the long cylinder of meat between the breads?"

"That would be a hot dog. Pizza's the flat thing with all the little thingies on top." Chad corrected.

"Let's see. Pizza or nature... yeah, I think I'd rather eat the pizza." Ryan confirmed

"I WANT A HAPPY MEAL!" Tyler demanded.

"What is this...pizza?" Anna inquired suspiciously.

"It's whatever you want it to be." Chad explained with a whimsical expression. He could see Anna's mind working furiously, trying to link Pizza to world domination. Maybe his explanation wasn't that great after all.

"Okay...but we get to forage for herbs tomorrow, right?" Jack inquired, looking rather put-out.

"No." said Hobbes.

"But I've already rationed the Cheerios!" Sid moaned. Sure enough, there was now 12 mini-Ziploc bags or tiny O's on the counter.

"Put those in the basement in case we get bombed or something. Oh, and take the carrots with you!" Hobbes called.

"No! Leave them!" Jack begged, snatching up the orange veggies.

"We're putting it to a vote." said Erica with exasperation. "All those in favour of living off rations and nature?"

Sid, Jack, and Samuel

"All for pizza?"

Everyone else. Samuel voted twice, but the decsion was obvious. Erica picked up her phone, and the problems began.

"...I don't know the number for any pizza joints around here."

So the house was then turned upside down in search of a good old-fashioned phone book. Marcus eventually located it - hiding under the carpet, causing a lump - Samuel had kept tripping over it. Problem # 2, the book was from 1993. But there were no others to be found, so they picked the first pizza place on the list, and hoped for the best. That's when they encountered problem # 3. Erica's phone had absolutely no service, nor did anyone else's.

They were completely isolated from the rest of the world.

"Think of this as an opportunity to get in touch with your soul! One whole week with no distractions other than good friends and natural beauty!" Jack encouraged.

"That's real sweet, Padre. But we still need to find some food before some of us turn cannibalistic, if ya know what I mean." Hobbes subtley gestured at Anna.

"We could drive into town and find a restaurant." Joshua put forth.

"It's late, nothing will be open. Plus it's dark and we have no idea where civilization is." Erica disagreed.

"We could hit an all-night convenience store. A box of Twinkies would beat the hell outta carrots and Cheerios." said Ryan.

"I beg to differ." Jack muttered under his breath.

"Hey...guys!" Samuel suddenly interrupted. "What's this? Is this edible?" he held up two items, one appeared to be a box of burgers, the other a bag of marshmallows. Both were frozen.

"Where did you get that?" Anna demanded.

"In the snow-box." Samuel specified, pointing at the freezer.

Erica took charge from there.

"Kyle, go outside and start a fire. Sid, get the Cheerios. Jack, grab those carrots. Samuel, hold onto that stuff. Folks, we're having all four food groups tonight."

###

"We're not gonna eat tonight. Because there won't be a fire." Hobbes thundered 10 minutes later as he bolted into the house and slammed the door. "Because Genius here-" He was referring to Samuel. "-used my emergency matches for toothpicks!"

"You shouldn't have left them lying around! He's like a baby, everything he finds goes in his mouth!" Joshua protested.

"Not EVERYTHING!" Samuel pouted.

"I did NOT leave them lying around, they were in my coat pocket!" said Hobbes angrily.

"Which you left on the table, where the toothpicks normally are!" Samuel whined.

"BUT THEY'RE NOT DENTAL TOOLS, THEY'RE FIRE STARTING DEVICES!" Hobbes probably would have ripped Samuel's head clean off, had a new idea not struck him as he advanced violently. "Padre, you keep an emergency jerry can in the back of the van, right?"

"Yeah, I - wait, Kyle. I know what you're thinking. This is a bad idea! Gasoline and fire don't play well together!"

"Save it for Sunday school, I know how this stuff works! Look, I have one more match left. It's not enough to start a fire...without help."

"No."

"Give me the keys, or enjoy your Cheerios and frozen burgers."

"Give him the keys, Jack." Erica sighed defeatedly, staring at the picture on the side of the burger box - mmmmmm! A hot, juicy burger would definitley be worth a bit of danger.

"Fine! But I'm supervising this, and you are NOT using the entire can." Jack relented, heading for the door with Hobbes in hot pursuit.

"Marcus, Joshua. Go assist them." Anna directed.

"We really don't need-" Hobbes began.

"It's no trouble for us-" Jack tried.

"No, no. They insist!" Anna pressed.

"We insist? Marcus, do you recall insisting to go outside with complete strangers and experiment with gasoline?" said Joshua.

"I do not." said Marcus.

Anna rolled her eyes. "Go. That's an order. I am still your queen!"

"ME TOO ME TOO!" Tyler yelled, making a rampage to follow them. Erica grabbed him by the collar.

"Oh no you don't. No gasoline and matches for you."

But it could have been worse, she reflected. Usually Hobbes had military-grade explosives in his pockets, rather than innocent matches that could be mistaken for toothpicks.

"Thiiis is booooring." Tyler grumped, shoving away the baggie of Cheerios his mother handed to him, and returning to the TV where he was trying valiantly to install the Wii system he'd brought from home.

Ryan lay down on the couch to get comfortable, but was interrupted by a loud squawk from Thomas:

"What do you think you're doing! That's MY bed!"

"Right now it's my couch." Ryan stated calmly.

"Sit on Chad's bed!"

"I like this one."

"But-but-but... ANNA!" Thomas wailed. "Ryan's on my couch and won't get off!"

"Did you say please?" asked the V Queen.

"Yeah!"

"No you didn't, Thomas. We're all in the same room here." Anna replied.

Thomas kicked Ryan's couch, then went to sit miserably to sit on Chad's couch. Chad himself was in a worn-out La-Z-Boy chair.

"See how nicely Chad is sharing his couch? He's letting you have it all to yourself." said Anna.

Thomas crossed his arms and stared at the wall.

"They're just impossible sometimes." Anna muttered under her breath as she turned back to face Erica. Both were sitting at opposite ends of the dining table.

"Are they your children?" Erica inquired innocently. Of course she knew the answer, but decided to play dumb out of curiosity.

"No." Anna said with a chuckle. "Lisa is my only biological child, but I think of all my people as my children. The mothership is like one big, happy family." she then cracked a smile so sweet that Erica had a momentary wave of nausea.

_Just a week...it's only for a week... _she kept telling herslef. But even five minutes with the V Queen felt like an eternity.

###

Meanwhile, upstairs, a Dr. Sidney Miller was putting the finishing touches on his...room. He didn't want to be a bother and ask why he hadn't been assigned a bed - or a couch, or a closet for that matter - so he decided to solve his problems like the big boy he was.

He could write a book about this. How to turn a bathroom into a bedroom in 5 easy steps. 1 - line the bathrub with towels - for comfy padding. 2 - throw in his trusty orange sleeping bag he'd had since grade 7. 3 - use the closed toilet seat as nighstand. 4 - draw the shower curtains around the tub for privacy. 5 - lock the door.

His momma always told him he was an innovative child.

###

Deep in the nearby forest...

"TP, get me more firewood." Hobbes demanded.

"If you call me that one more time, this is going up your nose!" Marcus gestured rather violently with the branch he was holding. "What does TP even mean?"

'TP' stood for Target Practice. Hobbes had been mentally referring to Marcus as such ever since the Concordia episode. However, he had no intention of letting Marcus find out.

"I'll tell you when you bring me back more than twigs!" Hobbes lied. At this point, Marcus made good on his threat and lobbed the branch at Hobbes' face. Hobbes retaliated, and a full-on branch fight ensued.

Meanwhile, Jack and Joshua peacefully gathered sticks, politely ignoring each other.

Eventually, Marcus lost Hobbes by shoving him down a small ravine. Then he linked up with Joshua and they went deeper into the foliage, so they could make use of their long-forgotten tails and tear down some more substantial branches.

All four of them returned to the yard within five minutes of each other, Hobbes was battered and bruised, but no worse for wear. They piled the wood beside the house, then moved the driest of the branches into the fire pit, where Jack - boy-scout style - carefully arranged a pyramid shape.

"Now time to make big boom?" Hobbes sighed, only half-sarcastic.

"You can use one drop of gas, nothing more." Jack reminded him.

"Yeah yeah yeah." Hobbes yakked, sprinting to the van with the energy of a little boy, and returning with the jerry can, which he quickly made use of -

"KYLE THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH GAS, ARE YOU TYING TO BLOW US UP?"

Joshua and Marcus moved forward in anticipation, eager to see what the Earthlings were making such a fuss about. Now that the wood was safely saturated in gas, Hobbes was moving in for the big boom.

"Don't you DARE light that match!" Jack yelped. "Don't drop it...no...no...NO! EVERYONE GET DOWN!" the priest roared, diving backwards and shoving Marcus and Joshua to the ground.

Boom.

###

"Did you see that flash?" Lisa shrieked suddenly, dropping her ration of Cheerios in alarm.

"What have they done?" Erica groaned, moving towards the window.

"Do people always get incinerated on vacation?" Anna gasped in restrained suprise.

Everyone leapt up from wherever they were sitting or lying and filed out the front door to see what the damage was.

A merry, medium-sized fire was crackilng happily in the pit - surrounded by a 7-foot radius of scorched grass... and a very shellshocked Kyle Hobbes, whose eyebrows were slightly singed.

Jack, Marcus, and Joshua were lying scattered several feet away. They slowly got up and looked around. The two lizards seemed unsure as to what had just happened. Jack, however, looked half-frustrated and half-amused. He advanced on Hobbes in a mildly threatening manner with a wagging finger.

"Kyle! What did I tell you?"

"Well, you should know I never listen to _you_." Hobbes lipped. "But everyone else said they were hungry, repeatedly, so I did something about it, and now we can cook burgers. Does anyone have a complaint?"

"You made nature smell like gasoline." said Thomas primly. Hobbes threw a stick at him.

"Everyone, let's eat!" Erica suggested before anyone got really hurt.

###

Erica decided she really had to hand it to Hobbes - no burger had ever tasted this good. Ryan, Samuel, Tyler and Chad had embarked into the basement where they dug up a grill, and 11 lawn chairs which were now assembled in a messy circle around the blaze and the roasting burgers. Sid had unfortunately missed the distribution of the chairs, and ended up sitting in the dirt, caught in the crossfire between Hobbes, Marcus, and Thomas as they murderously flicked burning marshmallows at each other. The three of them had very strong feelings against each other - Hobbes and Marcus shared a mutual dislike ever since pre-Red Sky. Marcus despised Thomas on principle - no one has ever _liked _their occupational replacement. Hobbes and Thomas simply thought each other was annoying and worth throwing things at.

Sid eventually smartened up and relocated so that he was sitting beside Erica - he was safe now.

"So... this is camping." Anna smiled appreciatively and looked around.

"Sort of. Usually everyone looks a lot less tired and angry." Erica admitted.

"Traditionally, people sing songs and tell stories - usually scary ones." Sid explained. "But that's just generic stuff."

"I have a scary story!" Tyler blurted out. "It's so scary, I told Brandon... and he pooped himself."

"Try me!" Hobbes immediately ceased pelting the Vs with mushrooms to accept a challenge.

"Dude, we're eating. One time I covered a story about how an lady was eating a sandwich, and then she looked outside and saw a person so ugly, she puked and died. Gross combined with food, ecpecially gross food, is dangerous. Actually we're in enough danger as it is because this place is populated by black bears and their tongues can strip human flesh from bones. I know we're not all humans here but black bears have been known to be omnivores because they eat vegetables too but I personally think we probably taste better than vegetables, I mean that's kind of a given. Anyway my point is, I think bears would also most likely probably eat Vs too, because I mean the bears wouldn't know the difference till they actually start eating, and even then maybe not, or maybe they would. Idunno, Idunno how Vs taste...cuz I've never tried one. And vice-versa! Haha...right? You've never eaten a human? Right? RIGHT? I've never wanted to eat one of you...and I hope you don't want to eat us either...let's just make a pact that we won't eat each other this week, no matter what!" said Chad - all in one breath. After mere hours of relapse, he'd caved and broken back into his stash of energy drinks.

"Chad! I told you, 7 Monsters in one day is enough! You have a low tolerance as it is!" Jack chided paternally, snatching his Monster can and pouring it on the ground. Chad lunged for him, but his chair shot backwards and he kissed dirt.

"What is IN those?" Anna asked earnestly, picking up the empty Monster can and reading the ingredients. "If we replaced water with this substance...production could substantially increase! I have discovered a cure for unproductivity!"

"That theory's been tested on Earth plenty of times." Ryan smirked. "Decker's living proof that it's a bad idea - it's all fun and games 'till the caffeine crash. That's brutal."

"WHAT ABOUT MY SCARY STORY?" Tyler demanded.

"Go ahead, sweetie." Erica encouraged. Then added, "Get it over with." in a hushed mutter.

"Okay, so. Is everyone listening?"

There was a chorus of assent.

"Okay, so. Are you ready? This is gonna be so scary, your eyeballs might explode. Okay, so. Once upon a time, there was a plumber. He - oh wait, you're not supposed to know he's a plumber. Forget I said anything! So there's this guy, and he's not a plumber. Or maybe he is, we don't know. One day, he walked into a bar...uggh and there's a clown too, but I can't remember if they walk in together, or meet inside. Let's just say there's a plumber and a clown. DAMMIT HE'S NOT A PLUMBER! FORGET I SAID ANYTHING! It's just a non-plumber and a clown. And...and...MOM I BURNED MY FINGER!"

There was a moment of silence, but apparently that was all.

"That was SUCH a good story, Tyler!" Samuel gasped with genuine appreciation.

"I missed the 'scary' aspect." Thomas commented peevishly.

"I think the part about the burned finger is supposed to be some sort of gruesome punchline." Sid deducted.

"Nope, he just had an mishap with his marshmallow." Marcus clarified as a sobbing Tyler lurched over to his momma, holding out his burned finger.

"Fella, you're not supposed to put the fire out with your hands." Hobbes educated.

"Someone better have a Spiderman band-aid, or it'll be a long night." Erica grumbled as Tyler tried - and failed - to assume a fetal position in her lap. "Sweetie, you're too big to cuddle. Ty... Tyler... get off mommy's lap, you're a big boy - GODDAMMIT TYLER, GET OFF."

"One Spiderman band-aid...coming right up!" declared Samuel, producing a box of cartoon band-aids from his fanny pack.

"Do you have any Spongebob ones? The ground hit my lip." Chad snuffled, still spitting out dirt after his fall.

"Here you go!" said Samuel happily, handing him one.

"Do you have any Cars ones?" Hobbes demanded suddenly.

"Tons!"

"Cool! I mean - not like I need one, or anything. I can suck it up like a man, unlike the rest of you." Hobbes regained his composure and tried to look tough.

"I'll give you one anyway. Just in case you need it later." Samuel replied sweetly.

"Uhm...if you insist." said Hobbes, accepting the Disney Cars band-aid with a reluctant smile.

Meanwhile, Sid had come out with a revolutionary new invention: Cheerio S'mores. Since there were no graham crackers to be found, he gooified a marshmallow over the flames, then plunged it into the Cheerios to give it a crunchy coating.

"Tastes legit!" Sid declared. "Try one!"

The Vs had never sampled S'mores, but it didn't take them long to get the hang of roasting, dunking, and chowing down.

"It tastes like cereal with marshmallows." Tyler declared.

"You don't say!" Sid chuckled.

"Nothin' like the real thing." Hobbes grunted. "We need some actual cookies to make this shit." His accent combined with his rough demeanor made S'more-making sound like something much more serious.

"I like the Cheerio coating, it tastes healthier." Jack responded peacefully.

Hobbes rolled his eyes, but not without cracking a small smile. The carrots had been forgotten.

On the other side of the fire, Tyler had been hard at work.

"Lisa, I made you a special S'more." he informed the object of his affections, handing her a Cheerio S'more - with a carrot through the middle.

"I wanted to put a flower in it...but it's dark and I don't wanna touch poison ivy by accident, so I put in a carrot." he stated. "Carrots and flowers are the same thing, if ya really think about it."

Lisa managed to re-arrange her face from a look of revolted puzzlement to an affectionate grin.

"Thanks, sweetie! It looke very... very nice."

Tyler grinned proudly, then his face fell.

"You're gonna eat it, right? Right?"

_Well, shit._ Thought Lisa.

Then she was saved, because at that moment the sky opened up and dropped a load of rain which extinguished the fire in less than a second, bathing everyone in darkness - and, well, water. Thunder cracked, and lightning briefly illuminated the scene - Samuel scrambling to rescue the last uneaten burger, Sid gathering the remainder of the food, Tyler and Chad tripping over each other and hitting the dirt- once again, and everyone else making a mad dash for the house.

Once everyone was safely out of the storm, they gathered their wits and tried to determine what had just happened.

"Did we get attacked? That sounded like guns. And they had bombs! Marcus, run to the car and get the emergency supplies. " Anna shrieked furiously, eyes darting around wildly. Marcus nodded swiftly and headed for the door.

"Marcus, don't go outside - you'll get electrocuted and die. Anna, this isn't an attack, it's just a little storm." said Jack, wiping rain out of his eyes.

"We've had storms since you've been on Earth." said Erica in puzzlement.

"Our ship is soundproof... and I thought the flashing was people taking pictures." Anna explained, looking slightly embarrased.

"Even I knew what a thunderstorm wa-" Samuel blurted out. Joshua clamped a hand over his mouth. Anna glared.

"A simple misunderstanding." said Marcus camly. "Now we know - there's nothing to be afraid of."

He looked directly at Anna as he said this, and his eyes softened. Erica took immediate notice - as women tend to do - and looked at Jack and Hobbes. But judging by their expressions, they hadn't noticed anything - as men tend to do.

But she didn't have time to dwell upon it, everyone was shivering rather hypothermically after being drenched, so she decided it was time to gear down for the night.

"Okay everyone, no one likes getting a cold on vacation, so don't fall asleep till you're good and dry. I know it's been a long day, and we have lots to do tomorrow..."

As she talked, she walked into the bathroom and came out holding two towels.

"...there should be more upstairs..."

There were four upstairs. And for some reason, they were all arranged in the bathtub. Why was there a sleeping bag in the tub? And why was there an alarm clock and a glass of water on the toilet lid? Oh well. She took the towels and brought them downstairs.

"I know we're all adults here, so we shouldn't have a problem with sharing towels." she instructed threateningly, handing out a towel to every other person.

Jack and Chad, Tyler and Lisa, Samuel and Joshua, Thomas and Ryan, herself and Hobbes, Sid had found a dish towel in the drawer and was making use of that, and Anna and Marcus.

"You can have it to yourself. I'm fine." Marcus told Anna, handing her the fluffy pink towel and stepping away. But for all her flaws, Anna didn't miss the fact that her Second-In-Command was shivering violently. With a smile that was almost affectionate, she draped one side of the towel over her shoulders, and raised the other sympathetically. Marcus assumed an expression of disbelief, but he looked pleased nonetheless as he joined her, wrapped tightly in their warm, cozy towel. Oddly, both of them looked more content than anyone had ever seen them

But not everyone looked so comfortable - Tyler was wrapped entirely in his towel, and in turn he was wrapped entirely around Lisa, whose expression read "Kill me". They were both squashed rather awkwardly into an armchair. Chad and Jack were standing as far apart as their towel would allow. Thomas and Ryan were quickly taking turns. Joshua had 90 percent of the towel, while Samuel made do with 10. Erica herself had no complaints - she felt warm and safe with Hobbes using her shoulder as an elbow rest and their big blue towel encircling both of them.

The minutes turned into hours, and everyone slowly wandered off to their respective sleeping locations until only Erica and Hobbes remained.

The ancient heater had finally started to work, and the rainwater in their hair evaporated to nothing more than slight dampness. The kitchen smelled like wet dog - or would that be wet lizard? But either way, there was no dampening this moment.

Wait...was that the roof leaking?

* * *

Yehh... I said there wasn't gonna be romance in this fic, but iunno. It DEFINITLEY will not be romance-centric, because I just don't write that shit xD other people do, and I like reading it but I just...suck at romance in every aspect. Anyway, I was debating whether to throw in some Jerica or Hobbsica... all I knew for sure was that I needed a hint of Anncus (Marcnna?) just to keep myself happy. BUT IT'S NOT A ROMANCE FIC, MKAY?

But where was I? Oh yeah. I finally decided I'm Team Hobbes. Because Jack and Erica are really more like siblings/besties at this point, I'd hate to see that get messed up. Also, Hobbes is extremely delicious. Not that Jack isn't cute, but that Aussie accent really gets me - reminiscent of Hugh Jackmannnn :) Hah, today I walked by the TV and then did a huge double-take cuz I thought I saw Chris Shyer, but it turned out to be Arnold Schwartzenegger. There is SO a resemblance there. I see it!

Ramble ramble ramble...

Oh, if you don't know, I have a facebook page - link on profile. I plan on adding some more edited V pics soon. I wanna try to make a banner or something for this fic... I wish this site let you upload pics to go with stories!

Ramble ramble ramb - gooodnight :)

RXP


	5. In Case Of Mooses

Hey! Oh mann.. I haven't updated this in like...ever D: II feel like a horrible person! I've been crazy busy all week, and I finally finished this today. It got delayed because started reading Transformers fanfiction and couldn't stop... but chapter 6 has been started! I don't know when it'll be finished, but...

I don't own Friday by Rebecca Black (ew.) or V, or...anything.

* * *

The last thing anyone wants to do on a Sunday, especially on a vacation, is wake up at 6:37 am.

But that's exactly what happened to the occupants of the Mooseview Chalet on that hazy July Sunday morning.

At 6 am, Samuel had finally been kicked out of his room by Ryan, who had gotten sick of Samuel's incessant sleep-talking. And walking. And punching. Samuel had then stumbled out of the room, plagued by those awful 6am blues once again. He fell down the stairs with a series of gruesome thumps and crunches that went unheard by anyone else, and proceeded to make himself a bowl of cereal, sit down at the table...and fall asleep with his head in it. 37 minutes later, he woke up, cleaned off, and decided he was lonely. So he unpacked his iPod stereo, turned it on, and blasted his current favourite song - Rebecca Black's 'Friday'. What else to do but sing/yell along? Very very loudly.

So everyone else woke up to a croaky yet incredibly amplified chorus of _"IT'S FRIDAY, FRIIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIIIDAY! E'ERYBODY'S LOOKINFORWARD TOOO THE WEEEKEND, WEEKEND!"_

He'd found a Karaoke microphone that hooked up to the stereo.

"SAMUEL, KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE I COME DOWN THERE AND SHOOT YOU BETWEEN THE EYES!" Erica screamed with her head under the pillow.

"Isn't it a little early for death threats?" someone rumbled nearby.

With a yelp of shock, the FBI agents realized that Kyle Hobbes was lying on her floor.

"Kyle, what are you doing here? This isn't your room." she muttered tiredly, wishing she could go back to sleep.

"Damned if I was gonna sleep with the Priest and the Lizards!" Hobbes protested sleepily.

"So you'd rather have my floor? No blankets, no pillows?"

"The carpet's kinda cozy once your body is too numb to feel temperature."

Erica sighed in sleepy exasperation, and patted the empty side of the bed.

"C'mon up, Kyle."

"I thought you'd never ask!"

###

No one could get back to sleep after Samuel's ungodly racket, so the kitchen was full of half-asleep Visitors and humans by the time 7am rolled around.

Hobbes wasted no time in putting the stereo out of action by hurling it into the lake, but Samuel was not deterred.

_"7am, wakin' up in the morning, Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs, Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal..." _ Samuel sang through mouthfuls of Froot Loops.

Hobbes ground his teeth viciously, restraining himself from grabbing Samuel and throwing him back into space. Tyler was playing Angry Birds on his iPhone with both hands, while resting his mouth on his bowl of cereal and slurping it up - he was under the impression that Lisa couldn't NOT be impressed by such multitasking skills.

"So. What are we doin' today?" Chad inquired. He was still wearing his oversized WNT Prime Focus t-shirt, he looked to be half-asleep and his hair had a ruffled slept-on look. As he rubbed his eyes and yawned, his appearance was remininscent of a sleepy little boy dragged on vacation by his parents.

"We're going to drive to the first food outlet we see, and stock up so we don't starve this week." Erica replied, feeling slightly more awake now that she had a bit of coffee in her system.

"If you'd respected my rations..." Sid mumbled under his breath.

"I'd rather eat a live deer than live off a baggie of cheerios for seven days." Ryan snorted. "Seriously, I could go find one right now. I think I've lost weight since yesterday."

"You say you've lost weight like it's a bad thing." Hobbes quipped.

"We could introduce this as the newest fad diet - 'Dr. Sid's South Forest Weight Loss Miracle'. Starve your way to skinniness, one Cheerio at a time." Erica joked.

"Hey now. Where's Jack?" Sid asked. "He should be backing me up on this!"

"Yeah, where is the Padre? I haven't seen him since I got up." Hobbes noted, looking around.

"And Marcus and Joshua?" Anna demanded, suddenly realizing they weren't at the table.

"Hobbes ended up on my floor last night - don't look at me like that! He was on the floor, I was in the bed. And he was not invited. Anyway, those four were supposed to be rooming together. They must be still sleeping." Erica deducted.

"So, that means their room is soundproof." said Chad, referring to Samuel's offensively loud karaoke debacle. "I request a transfer to that room."

But a quick check-in revealed that the room was not soundproof, it was simply empty. Neither bed had been slept in, and there were no sleeping bags on the floor.

"Did anyone see them go to bed?" Erica inquired in alarm.

"Maybe they got lost in the forest and eaten by bears." Thomas suggested unconcernedly.

"You'd love that, wouldn't you. Nobody would stop you from spreading those horrendous turtlenecks across every ship from here to China." said Lisa disdainfully.

"At least I don't have a tie fetish!" Thomas burst out dramatically as the gang trooped back down the stairs.

"Who has a tie fetish?" Someone asked from the bottom of the stairs.

"Jack! Where have you been?" Erica groaned. "Why weren't you in your room?"

"I figured it would be crowded enough without me." Jack shrugged. "I set up my sleeping bag in the shed - it wasn't too bad once I chased out the chipmunks and swept up a bit."

"You slept in the _shed_?" yelled someone else. "No way! I slept on the porch swing! Now unlock the door."

"Joshua!" Samuel greeted happily as the V doctor peered through the porch window. "Thomas hoped you were eaten by bears, but I knew you were gonna be okay!"

"I didn't use the word _hope_." Thomas grumbled.

"Have you seen Marcus?" Anna snapped.

"Good morning to you too." Joshua replied, shutting the door behind him and pulling a twig from his hair. "Was he not in the room?"

"No one was! You all missed out on sleeping in an actual bed because you were all so freaked out by the idea of sharing oxygen with each other. So you slept on the floor, the shed, or a porch swing. Classy." said Erica.

The lizard, the priest, and the mercenary each tucked their hands into their respective pockets and refrained from making eye contact with each other.

"Anyway, I'd love to take my breakfast out to the dock and watch the sun rise like normal people on vacation, but there's nothing to eat in this hell hole, and we're out of coffee. So who's coming to town with me?" said Erica loudly, grabbing the Churchmobile keys.

"Me!" Samuel yelled happily

"I'm in." said Jack. "Kyle?"

"Nah, I'm gonna hang back for this one." replied the mecenary.

"I'll come!" said Lisa, shooting a backwards glance at Tyler who was still playing Angry Birds and slurping cereal.

"I will accompany you. I need to escape these hooligans." Thomas muttered.

"So that's Sam, Jack, Lisa, Thomas, and me." Erica counted. "Anyone else?"

"I will remain here and help the boys find Marcus." Anna offered.

"Yeah, he couldn't have gone far." said Erica. "If anyone wants me to bring back something specific, tell me now."

"Freezies!" Chad demanded with a grin. Erica wrote that down. "And a 24-pack of Monsters, I'm all out." the news anchor added. Erica didn't write that one down.

"More burgers. Juicy ones. And steak. Lots of it. And all the barbecue sauce you can carry." said Hobbes, opening the freezer and seeing only an empty box.

"I want orange juice." said Sid simply. No one had seen him walk in.

"Sorry Sid, speak up?" Erica called.

"I want-"

"DIE GREEN PIGGIES!" Tyler bellowed, jumping out of his chair and upending his cereal bowl. "LEVEL 25, BRING THE PAAAIN!"

"You beat level 24? I can never beat level 24!" Ryan informed him with great dismay, pulling out his iPhone and showing Tyler how the game kept getting the better of him.

"You're trying too hard to aim for the piggies!" Tyler rolled his eyes. "You have to hit the building thingy at its attachment places."

"Show me!" Ryan demanded.

"Make yourself useful and start looking for Marcus!" Anna snapped, confiscating his phone before he could get any decent points.

"He probably just started walking home. We'll find him en route somewhere next week." Thomas dismissed.

"Okay, so freezies and burgers. I'll get right on that. See you guys later!" Erica concluded, walking down the porch steps with her shopping committee in close pursuit.

"Don't forget my Monsters!" Chad hollered.

_"Seein' everything, the time is goin', Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin!" _Samuel belted out happily.

"Just because you sing better than Rebecca Black, doesn't mean you _should_." said Lisa irritably

_"Gotta get down to the bus stop, Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends!" _ Samuel sang in response as they loaded into the Churchmobile.

"This thing doesn't have enough gas to make it out of the driveway." Jack groaned in frustration after turning the ignition in the Churchmobile.

"You must have a jerry can in the back?" Erica insisted.

"Yeah, right..." said Jack, hurrying to the trunk to retrieve it. "DAMN IT! Who took out the jerry can?"

Oops. Sid had forgotten about that. It had either been the can or him, both of them wouldn't fit at the same time. So he'd removed the can and curled up in its place. But no one needed to know that... he retreated back into the house.

By now, everyone had gathered on the porch to watch the proceedings. Since TV reception was sketchy at best, this would have to do for entertainment.

"Try kicking it." Joshua suggested, pulling up a lawn chair.

"Try setting it on fire." said Hobbes, pulling up a chair _and_ a foot rest.

"Just take mine." said Anna with a dismissive wave at the Escalade.

"Do you know how awful those are for the environment?" Jack yelped. "The sheer quantities of gasoline..."

"Would you rather starve?" inquired an irate Erica. "Get in the Cadillac right now."

Jack disgruntledly swung open the door and descended onto the seat - the only problem was, somone was already in it.

"OW, HEY." snapped an even more irate V, who had apparently been sleeping on the reclined driver's seat.

"We found Marcus!" Erica yelled in the direction of the house.

Thomas's groan of disappointment could be heard from the other side of the lake. He'd been hoping Marcus would be found at the bottom of the lake...or better yet, not at all.

"Oh! Thank g- I mean - wonderf - I mean... take him with you to the food outlet, he knows what I like."

From where everyone else was standing, it seemed Anna had tried very hard to restrain herself from leaping out of her chair and running towards the newfound Marcus. She started to move, then apparently got herself under control and casually put her sunglasses on.

Samuel, Jack, Lisa, Erica, and Thomas piled into the Escalade, leaving Marcus in the driver's seat.

_"Kickin in the front seat, Sittin' in the back seat, Gotta make my mind up, Which seat can I taaaaaaake?" _Samuel sang.

"Thou shall not kill, thou shall not kill..." Jack muttered to himself.

"You can take that seat, and stay in it." Thomas snapped, shoving Samuel to the very back.

"What's going on?" a very sleepy Marcus yawned.

"Omg. Tyler's coming, drive DRIVE DRIIVE!" Lisa hollered, reaching over Marcus's shoulder and cranking the key. The engine revved, and Marcus barely had time to shift gears before Lisa roughly shoved both hands down on his right knee - causing his foot to depress the acceleration _very _quickly. First they shot backwards -knocking over Tyler who'd come sprinting towards the vehicle, apparently having changed his mind and decided a shopping trip would be more fun than a morning of Angry Birds and green piggies. Before the vehicle could finish its job and back over Tyler completely, Marcus changed gear again and the loaded black Escalade went flying out of the driveway.

They were gone before Tyler literally knew what hit him.

###

"I think we mighta hit Tyler." said Jack, observing the rearview. "Wanna go back and make sure he's okay?"

"Umm, if you want to, I guess." said Erica non-commitally as she boredly combed her hair.

"No. Let's get this over with." grouched Thomas

"Where are we going?" Marcus asked as Samuel fired up the GPS.

"Search 'nearest grocery store."

"Umm...Mr. Crab's Food-Mart. 10 miles...that way. In the town of... Crayfish Cavern." Samuel reported.

"Mr. Crab's Food-Mart in Crayfish Cavern. Wow. We are _so _far away from New York." Jack sighed dismally.

"Turn that frown upside down...before I shoot you." Erica glared. "Remind me whose idea this was?"

"I didn't know there wasn't food provided!" Jack protested.

"How did everyone sleep last night?" Marcus inquired with a smug smile. He was clearly under the impression he'd left Jack, Joshua, and Hobbes to suffer in the same room while he alone claimed an un-shared sleeping spot.

"Well, Hobbes had a great sleep on my floor, Jack was very comfortable out in the shed, and Joshua got the entire porch swing to himself."

"That's what I - Wait, what?" Marcus demanded.

"That's right. You were all so scared of catching each other's cooties, there was one perfectly good room with no one in it."

Marcus's face went from furious to astounded to apathetic in a space of five seconds, causing him to miss the GPS's British-accented chirp of _"Turn right in five meters"_ and the Escalade ended up on painfully potholed path that seemed to lead off even deeper into the forest.

_"You are not on a marked road. Recalculating route..." _said the GPS.

"Great, Marcus. Just fantastic." Thomas barked. "We're lost, and we're gonna starve to death out here in the Godforsaken jungle. Then we'll get eaten alive by moose and they'll pick their teeth with the windshield wipers."

"Moose are herbivorous." Jack mumbled.

"That sounds dangerous." Samuel whined. "What does that mean? And what's a moose?"

At that moment, something very large darted onto the path in front of them.

Lisa shrieked. Jack cursed without restraint. Thomas banged his head against the seat in front of him. Marcus slammed on the break so hard Samuel went flying forwards and hit the dashboard. The bruised V looked up from the floor, and Erica informed him:

"That, Samuel, is a moose."

The moose stood there, eyeing the Marcuscalade as though deciding exactly how much he should damage it.

"What do we _do_?" gulped Lisa.

"I don't think I have enough bullets to take that thing down." Erica whispered.

"If only - wait, you weren't supposed to bring _any_ bullets!" Jack hissed.

"Well isn't this just quite the pickle." Thomas bitched. "Aren't these vehicles supposed to come with a special button for this sort of thing?"

"Yeah. 'Press in Case of Mooses'. Good one, Thomas. That's why you didn't stay Second-In-Command." said Marcus.

"I got demoted because you didn't die like you were supposed to." Thomas growled.

"Boys, boys, boys. Pull yourself together!" Erica snapped. "We have bigger problems."

"Yeah. Marcus, the plural of moose is just moose, not mooses." Jack corrected. "But in this case, there's only one moose."

"One moose is all it'd take to rip the roof off this car." said Erica uncomfortably.

The moose lowered his head and pawed the ground.

"Dually noted." Jack squeaked.

###

Meanwhile, back at the cottage...

The gang hadn't even been settled for a full 24 hours, and a severe case of cabin fever had already broke out.

"When's food?" Tyler whimpered, sitting on the couch (aka Thomas's bed) holding an ice pack to his face where it had been schmucked by the Escalade.

"'_When's food?_' Great goodness, can you not even string together a sentence?" Joshua nitpicked. The V doctor had become so incredibly bored that he was currently watching Hobbes give himself a manicure with a rusty steak knife.

"They left 20 minutes and 18 seconds ago, so food won't be here for a good while yet." Sid comented.

Tyler moaned something indecipherable and buried his face in the ice pack.

"That can't be good for you." Joshua said to Hobbes, referring to the rust on the knife.

"Hasn't killed me yet." the merc shrugged. "You know, I could kill us an entire dinner with this one knife. Anyone up for a walk in the woods?"

"I was thinking we should take out the canoe and explore the lake." Sid suggested earnestly. "I found paddles and life jackets in the shed."

"Canoe? Did you not see the motorboat with the 50-horsepower engine sitting right next to it?" Hobbes snorted.

"I'm up for that!" Chad yelped excitedly. Beside him, Tyler bobbed his head in agreement.

"Does anyone here even have a valid boating license? You need one for a motorboat, and I don't think we have enough life jackets." Sid notified. Hobbes rolled his eyes and snorted;

"In case of emergency, grab someone else and use'em as a personal floatation device. Screw the lifejackets. And as for the boating license, it's only a piece of paper for chrissakes!"

"Besides paddles and life jackets, Sid was there anything else in the shed? Something more...fun?" asked Ryan hopefully.

"Uh...there were like, a couple Sea-Doos and water skis and stuff, but that's all dangerous and bad for the enviro-"

Ryan, Chad, Joshua, Tyler, and Hobbes took off at a sprint and were halfway to the shed before Sid had even finished his sentence.

The young doctor followed them dismally, looking longingly at the simple canoe as it lay in the shadow of the 50-horsepower motorboat. As he walked across the porch, he was careful not to look at the Lizard Queen who was currently reclined in a beach chair with her sunglasses on, apparently sunning herself. Sid had never seen a human look so reptillian.

###

The moose incident had been resolved by a quick tap on the horn by Samuel. There was a furious debate on whether a horn honk would cause the moose to leave, or to violently attack. Erica reasoned that the moose would probably tear them apart anyway, so there was nothing to lose by giving it a try. Marcus, however was very against this, and he had to be forcibly restrained by Thomas and Jack to give Samuel a clear hit at the horn. But in the end, the horn was honked and the moose vanished just as soon as it arrived.

"But you can't try that with cougars and bears. They get violent when they're scared." said Thomas knowledgeably, reading out of his Beasts Of Nature Manual.

"We'll keep that in mind..."

After a couple more wrong turns, a continuation of the murderous ride down Pothole Lane, and a LOT of yelling and death threats at the GPS, the gang arrived in Crayfish Cavern, more or less in one piece.

"Okay, grocery store. Everyone take one basket, and ONLY grab what you NEED." Erica instructed firmly as she dispatched her gang into Mr. Crab's Food-Mart.

_10 minutes later..._

It turned out that Samuel 'needed' an economy-sized box of Twinkies and Thomas 'needed' giant bottles of Dove Plus For Men shampoo and conditioner, along with almost everything else in the store. Vs did not seem to be extremely efficient grocery shoppers.

"Noodles? Who eats noodles on vacation?" Erica demanded, picking up a box out of Samuel's very heavy basket.

"Is that what they're called? I just like the little shapes." Samuel shrugged.

"Noodles are very healthy!" Jack protested. His basket was entirely full of granola bars, trail mix, fruit, nuts, and whole wheat bread.

Lisa's basket was still empty, she hadn't made it past the sunglass stand - they were necessary to her wardrobe. A couple weeks ago, she realized Tyler often didn't recognize her when she wore them, and ended up walking right past her, searching frantically. She made a point of wearing them ever since.

Erica had taken care of everything else, such as Hobbes's requested steak, burgers, and sauce. However, she'd 'forgotten' Chad's Monster drinks.

While waiting in line, Samuel spied the tower of chocolate bars located next to the cash register. He swooped down on it immediately and snatched up a Hershey Cookies n Cream and a Caramilk in each of his little fists.

"Samuel, you may have _one_." said Erica.

"B...but... that man over there has two!" the V assistant whimpered, gesturing at a guy in the next line.

"I don't care what the other men are having, you can have one." Erica insisted.

Samuel's face morphed into a pout.

"Here we go." Marcus mumbled.

"If you keep that up, you can have _no _chocolate bars." said Erica with finality.

Samuel shot her the dirtiest of looks and begrudgingly threw the Caramilk back onto the shelf.

###

"JACKPOT!" Ryan bellowed as he raided the shed and threw everything out onto the grass, where Hobbes, Tyler and Chad pawed through it excitedly. Joshua and Sid observed them with expressions of amusement.

"Someone call Erica, tell her they need to pick up gas, and lots of it. These are all empty!" Chad yelled after examining the Sea-doos.

"Or we could just go for a walk?" Sid suggested half-heartedly. His comment went ignored.

"You call her, Decker. We'll hook this up to the boat." said Hobbes happily, holding a big purple inflatable donut and a bright yellow tow rope.

"Okay, I'm calling right - nooo! No service!" the news reporter wailed. "Damn you crappy network company!"

"Walk around 'till you get service." Ryan persisted. "It's gotta be around here somewhere."

Turned Chad's phone got exactly one bar of service...on the highest point of the roof of the house. He'd climbed up by stepping on a series of windowsills, tree branches, and an ancient ladder which was more for decorative purposes than anything else.

"This is reeeealllyy not safe, Ry." he whined, holding his phone aloft and slowly dialing the number.

"Just think of all the fun we're gonna have once we have gas." the V replied with a grin, exchanging a smirk with Hobbes.

"Okay. It's dialing... Yeah...hey, Erica...yeah... trust me, you don't wanna know how I'm getting service...how's it going... oh wow ...really?...huh...cool... listen, there's a gas station around there, right?...yeah...well, I need gas. And lots of it. We found toys. Really? You're awesome...thanks... see you when you get home! Bye."

Tyler did a happy dance, Sid and Joshua went in the house to watch TV, Ryan went to check the shed once more to see if he could find any goggles, and Chad narrowly missed breaking every bone in his body as the ladder 'malfunctioned' when he was still halfway up.

"Owww." the newsman whined, spitting dirt and crawling to his feet. "At least it'll be worth risking my life when we -"

"Hey everyone, look what I found!" Ryan announced, stepping out of the shed - holding a perfectly full jerry can.

Chad assumed the facial expression of a dying fish.

* * *

Samuel's chocolate bar whining was inspired by a scene from Family Guy, I ripped off the dialogue from that :D

And I must apologize for the shameless Friday singing xD that song is so godawful, but for some reason I just get a kick out of listening to it. Apparently Samuel does too.

Please review - make me update faster :)

RXP


	6. Life Hates Us

Woooah I'm back! With a legit chapter this time! Hope you all had a greeat summer. Thanks for your patience, guys. Hope you're still out there! I wish I had some sob story or a half-decent excuse about why I haven't been updating...but...I just... don't xD Hope you enjoy this too much to stay mad ;)

I wrote a ton of this on Friday cuz it was my birthday and I was in a freaking fantastic mood. Till my car battery died in the stupid parking lot. At that moment I really coulda used a Marcuscalade to come pick me up...

THANKS REVIEWERS! :D

**Illuminazione **thaanks! :) I'm continuing...right...NOW! :D

**wiccawoman** I'd hate that too. BUT I WONT LET IT HAPPEN! :) here's your update!

**person who didn't leave a name: **awesome ideas! :D would be hilaaaarious.

**speedy2green** i gotta admit, I agree :P

**REALTEDDYLUPIN** i think i pm'd you regarding your question when you first submitted your review, but thanks! :D

**Ithileon **poor Chad indeed. the guy's not having a very good week. and it only gets better in this chapter.. ;D urg, i have to live through 6am on a regular basis. Occupational harzards of my pasttimes... blaah.

**Rabiosa** it'd be a great joke! I think they kinda mentioned that in one of the eps. Gotta love 'em :D bwahahaa, i love getting Friday stuck in people's heads. I'm kind of an ass that way... xD

**ColdCaseIsMyLife **I completely agree! xD rants are always fun, too. Poor green piggies... :P

I don't own V! If I did, I'd be directing season 3 right now. Grrrrrr... I also don't own Oprah, who gets a mention xD or the movie The Hangover which is pretty much the best thing ever.

Also, Marcus's phobia of quiche is inspired by what I feel in real life. The smell of it honestly makes me leave the room as if it's on fire. Naaaassttyy. And finally, the oven incident is also based on a real life event that happened to me several weeks ago... major oopsie on my part.

Enjoooy! ;)

* * *

As morning passed smoothly into afternoon, Sid discovered eleven different species of mold growing throughout the house. Joshua fixed the TV to recieve 500 channels by fusing a comms device with the antenna. Tyler fell off the dock and met some local fish. Once he'd dragged his soaked ass back to shore he spent the next hour in front of the mirror, picking dirt and seaweed from his teeth and telling anyone who'd listen that he'd seen at least 8 whales in the lake. And Hobbes and Ryan became hopelessly entangled in tow rope. So tangled that Hobbes couldn't even reach his knife to cut them free.

"How did you _manage_ that?" Anna wondered as the trapped boys stumbled up the stairs and into the house in search of assistance.

"If _someone _here knew the difference between a sailor knot and an army knot, we'd be on the lake by now." Ryan glowered.

"There's at least 12 different types of sailor knots! You're an idiot." Hobbed snarled. "AND WATCH WHERE YOU STICK THAT!"

"Do you want me to cut you free or not?" Chad reasoned, holding a steak knife aloft.

"TV boy, I really don't think you should be holding a knife at all." Hobbes replied grumpily.

"By all means, take it yourself!" Chad replied perkily, holding out the knife.

Hobbes' left arm was tied firmly to his chest, while the right was wrapped around Ryan's neck. He attempted to reach for the knife, failed miserably, and emitted a grumble of defeat, and Chad went to work.

###

Meanwhile, in a grassy picnic area just outside of town...

"Thomas, ew. I can smell that thing from here, what is it?" Marcus inquired with disgust, inhaling the scent of Thomas's lunch from the other end of the vehicle.

"Oh you poor uncultured thing, Marcus. It is _obviously _quiche." the turtlenecked engineer responded dispassionately as he munched away.

"It smells like fart." Samuel whimpered, pulling up the front of his shirt to cover his nose.

"Actually, I think it smells more like vomit." Lisa added.

"IT DOES NOT." Thomas shrieked, losing his temper and whipping his quiche-covered fork at the dashboard, which it bounced off and landed on Marcus's leg. He promtly shot out of the vehicle, almost ripping the door hinges in the process. Erica sighed and threw him the box of wet-wipes so he could sit in the grass and use 14 wipes to frantically scrub the quiche-spattered spot on his pants.

"Remind me whose idea it was to eat lunch in here, of all places?" Erica grouched.

"Don't look at me, I'm not the one who got us kicked out of the restaurant." Thomas remarked with a snide glare at Samuel. "Just be glad they were kind enough to give us takeout."

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Samuel wailed. "I THOUGHT THAT LADY WAS OPRAH, THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I GAVE HER A HUG! How was I supposed to know she'd file a formal complaint and the manager would yell at us?"

"It was stuffy in the restaurant, and the windows were too small. This is much nicer, just us and nature. Look at that, there's even picnic tables." Jack remarked optimistically.

"Except we're sitting in the car because Samuel is afraid of ants and Thomas doesn't think the picnic tables are structurally sound." Erica replied.

Thomas opened his mouth to retort, but then Marcus re-entered the vehicle wearing a most sour expression.

"Does anyone have any extra pants?"

Nobody had any extra pants, so Marcus was "shit outta luck" in the words of Erica. The V second-in-command looked extremely agitated by the scented quiche stain near his left knee which had only grown when he attempted to erase it.

"Don't even think about taking your pants off. I'll tell Mother, I swear." Lisa ordered sternly.

Marcus groaned miserably.

"Marcus, if the quiche upsets you that much, we can go back to the cottage now." Erica relented. "I think we've got all the supplies we need."

"But I wanted to go to the Sunglasses Emporium!" Lisa and Thomas chorused in synch. Then Lisa turned and gave the older man a very funny look.

"What? I've heard they have the state's biggest selection of Ray Bans, and those offer excellent retinal protection." Thomas shrugged defensively.

"You heard the lady." Marcus snapped, putting the SUV into gear and ripping out of the parking lot at warp speed, leaving an impressive set of tire tracks.

Inside the Escalade, Thomas reached under the seat for the motion sickness bags.

###

Back at the lake house, the party was in full swing. Hobbes had hitched an inflatable donut to the back of the motorboat which was still tied to the dock. Chad sat in the donut, waiting for Hobbes to start up the boat, grinning from ear to ear while Ryan and Joshua sped around on the Sea-Doos.

"Are we going whale watching now?" Tyler bubbled excitedly, waddling up the dock wearing 3 layers of life jackets and water wings around all of his limbs.

"Sure whatever, kid-" Hobbes began, then turned around and saw Tyler. "What the hell are you wearing?"

"My mom always makes me put my floaties on when we go near big water. Or little water. Or the bathtub."

"Oh bloody hell." Hobbes snorted. "Get in here."

Tyler obliged, but tripped extravagantly in the process and slammed his face into the side of the boat before tumbling into the water. Hobbes fished him out and dropped him in the bottom of the boat, where the many layers of lifejackets caused him to bounce.

"Hurry up Kyle!" Chad hollered from the donut, splashing his feet in the water.

"Just a second, I'm having a charitable moment." Hobbes called as he unbuckled every last one of Tyler's life jackets and tossed them back on the dock.

"But, mom says -"

"Trust me, Tiger. I'm doin' you a favour."

"Kay, but I'm keeping my arm-floaties." Tyler asserted. "And my name's not Tiger."

"It's a nickname." Hobbes explained, patience wearing thin.

"But why?" Tyler pondered, making himself comfortable.

"It's something buddies do, now siddown and shuddup!"

While Tyler tried to puzzle that one out, Hobbes fired up the outboard motor and hit the power switch. The motorboat shot across the lake like a rocket with Chad trailing along behind, shrieking in glee while Joshua and Ryan raised hell on their Sea-Doos. Sid had decided to ignore Hobbes's relentless teasing and took the canoe out for a spin, casually paddling around and occasionally taking a picture or two - until Ryan accidentally collided with him, causing him to drop his camera in the water.

"Don't worry, the case is waterproof. Wouldn't want you to stress over wrecking my new Nikon." Sid grumbled as Ryan sped away yelling, "Sooorryyy maaan!"

On the other end of the lake...

"Mr. Bobs, can I drive the boat?" Tyler requested.

"Mr. Bobs?" Hobbes grunted.

"Nicknames, 'member? Cuz we're buddies? We are buddies, right?"

"Oh right. Yeah. Buddies." Hobbes replied regretfully. "Sure, Tiger. Just don't crash."

Tyler grabbed the wheel eagerly and twiddled it.

"We're in the water, what could I possibly crash int- AHHH!" he hit the deck as the motorboat crunched into a hidden sandbar and ground to a halt.

"Captain, iceberg ahead!" Chad yelled belatedly as his donut drifted up to the boat, propelled by momentum.

"Okay, time to be a buddy." Hobbes ordered in a businesslike manor. "Ty, I'm gonna get out and push the boat. When I say go, you need to put on the gas _a tiny little bit. _As soon as you're unstuck, I'll hop back in and we'll get outta here. But you can't give it too much gas. Do you think you can handle that?"

"Yep." Tyler replied with a determined nod.

Hobbes accepted that and stepped out of the boat. He then positioned himself behind the boat, gave it a little shove...

"Okay Tiger, give it-"

Tyler gave it. He gave it so much the motorboat ripped away from the sandbar and whizzed down the lake at 100 mph, with Chad streaming behind...

And Hobbes still standing on the sandbar.

"Bloody hell..."

###

Back on shore, Anna had a dilemma. Her spot on the porch had become shady, and she craved sunlight. The sandy beach would be an idyllic location for a sunny sit... but there was no one to carry her chair from the deck to the water's edge! Maybe Marcus would be able to drive home and assist her, or at least give her directions over the phone. She dialed his number. No sooner did the call go through when she heard squealing tires and flying gravel. One second later, a shiny black SUV skidded into the parking lot and screeched to a halt.

_Impressive, timing _she thought.

At approximately the same time, the motorboat containing Tyler and pulling Chad came careening down the lake, heading straight for the house - completely out of control.

"TURN TURN TURN!" Chad wailed, clutching the handles on the donut for dear life.

"I DUNNO HOW!" Tyler screeched.

"PRETEND IT'S WII SPORTS!" Chad howled as they drew closer to shore. Closer, closer, closer...

At the last possible second, Tyler cranked the wheel to the left. The boat turned, but the donut didn't. The G-force caused the rope to break and Chad went sailing across the parking space, screaming the whole way, until the donut's flight path was interrupted by the presence of the Marcuscalade - its open side door, to be specific.

It was a truly remarkable scene. The donut was wedged between the driver's seat and the second row. The impact had dislodged Chad and he was now sprawled on the floor, testing himself for fractured limbs. The terrified Samuel and Thomas were both piled onto the lap of a very uncomfortable Jack, and Lisa had attempted to hide beneath the seat. Marcus and Erica turned in their driver and shotgun seats, staring agape at the purple donut that was nestled behind them.

"Did you... get my... Monsters?" Chad grinned up at them all, before passing out.

Miraculously, the donut was still in one piece.

###

After last night's campfire fiasco, it was decided that supper would be eaten indoors, but that didn't deter the boys from managing to blow something up nonetheless. As it turned out, the previous renters of the Mooseview Chalet had forgotten a very large pizza - box and all - in the oven. Ryan neglected to open the oven to see if there was anything in it - despite Erica's warnings - so when he turned the dial to 425 degrees, it was approximately 10 minutes before smoke began billowing from the vents and a flickering orange glow could be observed through the window.

Mixed reactions ensued.

Thomas was shocked and horrified that this building was not equipped with a working fire alarm. Samuel was more than happy to substitute for an alarm, his panicked screams reached a higher volume than a man-made device ever could as he galloped around the house frantically, bashing into walls in a blind effort to escape. Eventually, he more or less fell out the window. Jack kept a cool head and deployed a fire extinguisher. Which turned out to be faulty, and exploded on everything and everyone - except the fire. Marcus and Thomas then held a furious argument over how best to evacuate Anna to safety - meanwhile she shot out the back door, unassisted along with Erica, Jack, Chad, Lisa, Tyler, Ryan, and Joshua. Once safe, Ryan recieved an extremely brutal beating, both physical and verbal from Erica, who wasn't impressed with his kitchen skills in the slightest.

Back inside, Sid had a stroke of genius. He recalled a thing or two about the plumbing unit he'd taken in a high school class - understanding the inner workings of waterlines could be incredibly useful in situations like this, and luckily the sink was located immediately beside the stove. The young scientist snatched up the axe that lay decoratively on the mantle and fearlessly plunged through a cloud of smoke and flickering flames so he could open the cupboard beneath the sink where the pipelines were visible, then he swung the axe like a professional lumberjack...

_Pssssssshhhhhhhhh._

A remarkable display of waterworks doused the fire, and soaked the entire kitchen in the process - including Marcus and Thomas who were still arguing, having failed to notice that everyone else had evacuated without them.

"It's okay, guys!" Sid wheezed, looking out the window at his friends who stood huddled in the yard. He was covered in smoke and sporting singed hair. "You can come back in now."

"Sid..." Erica gasped, stepping back through the door. "How did you..."

"I almost decided to be a plumber when I grew up." the blonde genius shrugged modestly. "I had to crack the entire system, but a bit of welding will fix it right up."

"IS MY WII OKAY?" Tyler shrieked, bolting to the living room where he proceeded to collapse in front of the TV and caress his gaming system delightedly.

"We apologize sincerely for our delay in taking action, my Queen." Thomas bowed deeply as Anna cautiously re-entered the house.

"Because Tommy Turtleneck thought it would be necessary to suggest throwing you out the second-floor window." Marcus muttered spitefully. "Needless to say, I reprimanded him appropriately."

"Jumping from windows is listed as an escape option _before _walking out the door! It's all in the rule book! I was being methodical!" Thomas insisted angrily.

Marcus told Thomas where he could shove his rule book and how he could do it involving his turtleneck and his mother at the same time. Erica clamped her hands over Tyler's ears. Jack covered Sid's ears likewise. Samuel looked confused and asked Marcus to please repeat that. There was a loud chorus of "NO!" from nearly everyone.

Then, a voice that hadn't been heard for the past several hours...

"What the bloody hell happened in here?"

Standing in the doorway was a very soaked, very sunburned, very tired, and very angry-looking Kyle Hobbes with pond weed clinging to his body and what appeared to be a live fish in his pocket.

"...Kyle?" Erica gaped.

"It would appear so." the Merc rumbled irritably, making a beeline for his travel bag, then disappeared into the bathroom. Once he emerged wearing clean dry cothes, he wasted no time crashing on the couch where he recited his tale of adventure: "Your idiot of a son took off in the boat and left me stranded on the sandbar for five bloody hours while this pack of imbeciles apparently wrecked the kitchen. 2 hours ago I decided I'd rather risk drowning and swim back to shore than starve to death before you fools realized I was gone. Now someone bring me something warm and alcoholic."

"We have warm things, and we have alcoholic things." Erica informed him. "But we don't have warm alcolic things. How would you feel about a blanket, a hot chocolate, and a cold beer?"

"That'll do." Hobbes snuffled, wiping his nose on a hankerchief he'd swiped from Samuel.

"Do you have a cold?" Joshua demanded, recoiling as far away from Hobbes as possible and rummaging in his pockets for V-grade hand sanitizer.

"I just swam for 2 hours in freezing lakewater, of course I have a cold you pansy-faced jackass!"

"Are you an infant? It's the middle of July." Marcus scoffed, eager for a rare opportunity to taunt the mercenary.

"Actually, lake water in these parts can remain at a very low temperature year-round. Shallow areas are often pleasantly tepid and acceptable for swimming, but the sandbar is located quite a distance from shore, and the fastest way to get back would be to swim in a straight line, which unfortunately would take one through a very cold, deep area." Sid prattled.

"What he said." Hobbes grunted, nodding in appreciation as Erica handed him a steaming mug of hot chocolate as well as the promised beer, before sitting down beside him and pulling a cozy blanket over both of them. The water explosion had put out the merry flame in the fireplace as well as the oven blaze, so the room had taken on a distinct chill despite it being a summer evening. The group seemed to decide wordlessly that cleaning the damaged kitchen could wait till tomorrow. One by one, the couches and chairs filled up with exhausted Visitors and humans.

"As if you forgot to buy my Monsters! This is a disaster. And how is it we're just as cold and hungry as we were last night?" Chad muttered, zipping up his WNT-logo-sporting fuzzy hoodie (he also had a matching pair of very cozy sweat pants with PRIME FOCUS lettered across the backside) and slurping hot chocolate.

"Well, last night we were short on food to begin with, then it rained on our campfire. And tonight... well, our situation conspired against us." Sid explained.

"I didn't mean literally." Chad shot back. "Does anyone else feel like life hates them right about now?" He discreetly met the sympathetic eyes of his fellow Fifth Column members; what the hell were they doing here, stranded in unhospitable wilderness with the very creatures they'd come here to get away from? What was this about?

"Just a reminder, you're the one who got a ride in a purple donut while I spent 4 hours on a sandbar being fried to a crisp, then 2 hours freezing in the water." Hobbes grouched. "Life hates _who_?"

"When God closes a door, he opens a window." Jack pointed out.

"I am familiar with that phrase, but is there one for when he lights your oven on fire and then chops up your plumbing with an axe?" Anna inquired peevishly, sitting down beside Marcus and hogging most of his blanket.

"God didn't do that, it was Ryan's fault." said Joshua with an accusatory glare.

"I'm not the one who left the pizza in the oven!" the bald V whined.

"He didn't break the plumbing either. That was Sid." Lisa added.

"I SAVED ALL OF YOUR LIVES AND PREVENTED A FOREST FIRE!" the scientist hollered, bug-eyed.

"And the only person here who opened a window was Samuel, when he fell out of it." Thomas snickered.

"That is correct." the bumbling V assistant replied with a thumbs-up. "I'm pretty sure there's still glass in my nose though... is that bad?"

"Better let me look at that, champ." Joshua sighed, reaching for the First-Aid kit.

"This vacation is worse than the time we went to Italy and the Pope wouldn't give me an autograph." Chad grumbled.

"And when we went to Switzerland and you fell in the lake, and Anna didn't let us go skiing." Marcus added, earning a glare from the V Queen. But before she could retort, there was a loud yell from Tyler who was still in the kitchen.

"MOOOOM! THE BURGERS ARE MAGIC!"

"Tyler, what the hell?" Erica asked in puzzlement, wandering over to where her son was standing dumbstruck.

"They cooked themselves! Lookit!" the boy pointed excitedly.

"Holy crap on a cracker." Erica gasped in shock and awe. Sure enough, the package of burgers had been sitting on top of the oven before the fire started. Apparently, the flames had reached the box, because it was in ashen tatters. When Tyler curiously poked the remains of the box, they'd crumbled away to reveal globs of perfectly cooked meat, juicy and ripe for munching.

"I've got a new one!" Jack announced as he walked into the kitchen and spotted the newly discovered deliciousness. "_When God sets your cottage on fire, he cooks your burgers while he's at it_."

"You should put that on a t-shirt." Erica smirked, ripping open a bag of burger buns as Tyler wrestled the cap off a bottle of barbecue sauce. "Come and get it, guys!" she called to the rest of the gang. They slowly began to trickle from the living room to the kitchen, expressions of disgruntlement morphing into uplifted delight when they smelled what was cooking. For a moment, the lines between Visitor and Human seemed blurred, as each and every creature gave silent thanks (or very loud thanks, in Samuel's case) for the small miracle that had ocurred as they nibbled their tasty dinner.

When they returned to the living room, burgers in tow, it was unanimously decided that this would be a movie night. Tyler eagerly held up the _Hangover_ DVD he'd packed, and there were enthusiastic nods all around. This time, the room was not divided into Fifth Column on one side and Visitors on the other. Quite possibly without realizing it, the gang had integrated themselves. On the floor sat Chad, Tyler, and Samuel, sharing a large bowl of popcorn between them. Ryan, Jack and Joshua squashed into the wide armchair in the corner. On the biggest couch sat Hobbes, Thomas, Erica, Anna, Sid, Lisa, and Marcus. Belatedly, the blonde FBI agent realized she was seated very close to an incredibly evil alien dictator, with not much wiggle room at all. But it didn't take long before Erica's panic gave way to relenting acceptance, however temporary it may be.

Because even Anna couldn't resist laughing at _The Hangover_.

* * *

I dunnoo how good or not good that chapter was, considering I wrote the last half yesterday while watching Dr Phil and then Arthur. But I think it's acceptable, now that I'm getting back in the swing of things here at the V section of FFN. I thought MSD would get updated before this one, but I've really been feelin VOV lately :)

MSD updation is forthcoming! I also wanted to do a little party-themed oneshot for my birthday last week (HOLYFUCKIMANADULT!) but stuff came up as it tends to do xD I'm already looking ahead to Christmas ides... ;;;)))

anywhoo if you're still out there, pleeease do drop some feedback! Button's right down...

there.

wait...there's no 'down' arrow on this keyboard...

looks like Marcus and I have some letters to write to the computer maufacturers.

whatever you're doing, have a good one :)

RXP


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